Pain versus Joy -- "The Hourglass of Recovery"

For those who regularly follow my blog and posts (500 readers per month at the moment), you know that I primarily write about two topics: Faith and Surviving Sexual Abuse.  For me, those topics are intertwined because when you deal with Sexual Abuse you will also be faced with the larger-than-life-questions.

Recently, I felt inspired to write a new post about the recovery process and recovery limits from sexual abuse.  This is a process very few people talk about publicly, and when it is discussed, it is discussed in vague terms.  For me, healing comes from personal connection, not from vague terms.  So I offer less vague and more personal connection!

I was inspired to write this post because of how many survivors whom I have recently talked to.  Many suffer deep rooted shame and rejection, even if people say they love them.  Listening to them and thinking of my own story, I then realized...hey...most people suffer through their recovery in shame and isolation.  That isn't right!  We need to pop the isolation bubble and let victims be honoured!!

So let's continue the dialogue.

The Ceiling of Recovery

Did you know that there is a ceiling to recovery?  I didn't.  But apparently, medical research shows that early life trauma can permanently disable confidence, stability etc.  According to certain researchers, there are limits to trauma recovery.

Recently, my Doctor told me that I have likely progressed as far as anyone can who has my serious history of abuse.  In other words, according to medicine, this is as good as it gets.  Both my counselors and my physician are actually quite proud of my recovery.  It would seem that I have been blessed with more healing than the 'norm'.  Thank GOD!

Fortunately for me, I know people who specialize in trauma.  They tell me, that where most people hit a ceiling, they have found the next step to recovery.  Again, thank GOD!  (relief and joy inserted here).

In other words, I still have a chance at a full life with joy and THRIVING.  

So now what?

Is that the end of my healing journey?  Absolutely not!  There are massive breakthroughs in faith, therapy, neuro-science, prayer and so on.  I get regular reports of healings that are seeing medical impossibilities become transformational possibilities.  My favourite stories are of survivors from war or abuse who have been miraculously healed from PTSD.  Woo!  Pass that good news around :)

My support network has had mixed reactions to this medical news.  Some were sad while others were empathetic and understood that medicine has its limits when coming to treat emotional trauma.  The faith community is by far the MOST supportive of my continued health recovery and improvement.  

Others expressed concern because they knew my intellectual and professional potential is not being utilized because of the deterioration caused by abuse and the memory recall process.  I understand their perspectives, because I have had to grieve all of those losses too. 

Fortunately, pain pathways are not my life's definition.  It is just a tremendous obstacle.  One day, it might even be a trophy!

I am blessed to now have a peace that comes from being in the present.  If this level of healing is all that is mine, I am grateful, even though I will seek more healing.  As long as I am on this Earth, I will be hungry for more goodness, peace, fullness, and wholeness.

Why talk about these things?

Abuse creates isolation; writing & speaking creates awareness and helps to build community.  It is my leading and intention to continue being an Advocate, Public Speaker, and Writer to bring about awareness of the recovery process from sexual abuse.  This is a work in progress.

Topic of Pain in Recovery

So let's talk about the bare bones truth.  Recovery is painful, sometimes excruciating.  At the basement of pain, is a true rock bottom.  It is a desolate place full of uncertainty and confusion.  You move to the left--there is pain; you move to the right--there is pain.  A true rock bottom is merciless.

At that place of reckoning, a person often has to decide if they have even enough energy or will to allow the idea that there is a possibility that there might be a hope to have the will to keep trying.  Even the will to get back up might seem more than possible.  

From the ashes we rise (photo, NOT the content, from HERE)

A rock bottom is sobering on all levels.  Old techniques for feeling good won't work (Behaviors, People, Events etc).  Everything can appear bleak--that is how you can tell it is a bottom.

The benefit of a true rock bottom is that you can only go up.  At the bottom of life's hourglass, you earn a new perspective.  You gain the opportunity to see the whole of your worldview as it is, rather than how you wish it was.  Then, a person can start to make decisions such as the choice to survive.  Thriving usually has to wait.

Take a look at the photo posted to the right.  These hands represent the ones who choose to get up again; it is the effort and the human will to survive, even when drowning.  In this photo, I see pain and suffering, but I also see the triumph of the overcoming nature of our spirit.  We want to survive.

To me, that picture would look a lot better with a helping hand coming down from above!  

Faith Required

Tattoo art by Gabriellexx (Original HERE)

It is through faith that a person gains true life again.  In any recovery program (hurts, habits etc), faith is part of the 12 steps.  You cannot heal without God.  Any person in healing knows that.

To the left, you can see an image of an hourglass with death on the bottom versus life on the top.  Notice the cross--a key symbol of faith.  Notice how you feel when you see the skull versus seeing the cross.  One symbol emphasizes death; whereas the other symbol (even though the cross was initially a symbol of death) is now a symbol of life.

When I was at my true rock-bottom, just like that skull in the drawing, I needed to choose if I was going to win or lose.  I remember having a vision of my world as darkness.  I saw God intervening and putting one little speck of light through that darkness a great distance away.  In that moment of vision, I resolved that as long as I had breathe in my lungs, I would take steps until I had approached that light and until that light consumed my vision.  That vision still motivates me today, 10 years later.  I choose life, light, and hope.

During the past 10 years, I've seen plenty of healings and miracles, including:  seeing addicts completely healed to sobriety in an instant of prayer (and some have testified to having been healed and sober for over 30 years), limbs growing to normal lengths, teeth transformed, hearts mended, hearing restored, surgical metal disappearing, and cancer cured.  In these things, I have become rich with faith, and richer in experience.

So what about my experience with darkness, despair, and the torments of abuse memories?  The answer is that those things were being worked out in direct contrast to the light and miracles I was seeing. Faith, was necessary for my healing.  It allowed me to see God, experience hope, and the courage to progress towards my redemption.

I am now firmly convinced that my personal and greatest miracle is the sense of relationship and healing that occurs in my heart when I connect to our Creator, through Jesus, and awaken again.  The symbol of the cross heals me, inspires me, and provides me with a path from death to life.  Some of my humanist and atheist friends think that my faith is ignorance.  But for me, faith has given me life and continues to give me what knowledge never could--LIFE!

How does one transition from pain to joy?

This question has been at the core of my personal and spiritual research for the past 10+ years.  I have been 'hungry' for joy and have searched high and low for the way, the means, and the method of a return to joy. 

What have I found?  I have discovered that joy is spiritual and physical.  We need spiritual joy through meaning and connection to our spiritual source; we also need physical joy through physical health, healthy relationships, a stable environment etc.

The key method for me, has been Immanuel prayer technique, taught in combination with "THRIVE Recovery".  Through the THRIVE recovery model, I am learning that joy is an actual substance within the brain.  Researchers have learned that joy is the key to recovering from pain.  THRIVE Recovery is a program that teaches:

When your life is more painful and out-of-control than you like, find the skills to bring you to peace and joy...Trauma weakens your brain’s control center...Strategic spiritual and mental training restarts your life....a state of the art training program that combines neuroscience (brain) research, relational community, Biblical principles and prayer dialogue with our Creator to develop us into healthy, mature, healed people who THRIVE! This is a program like no other, and it can't be compared to other systems! (THRIVE Recovery: http://www.thrivingrecovery.org/about.php)

Joy Trumps Pain

I have learned that it is through 'joy' that Jesus endured the cross.  So joy, according to the Gospels, is something that propels us past the worst tortures of pain and torment, isolation and suffering.  Joy trumps pain!

Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God. (Hebrews 12:2, ESV)

Jesus, was despised, rejected, and acquainted with grief (Isaiah 53:3). Yet, he spoke of abundant life, joy, peace, hope, and assurance.  He contained the paradox of both pain and joy, while offering his solution as our 'salvation'.  So yes, for me, Jesus' solution was necessary for the power to begin recovery.

My next statement will shock a few--but Jesus is not the entirety of healing.  Jesus sent the Comforter, but he also built a people who heal too.  We each need 'Jesus in flesh'--COMMUNITY.  I need people to teach me about love, joy, peace, and acceptance, to replace what was robbed from me through abuse, rejection, mockery, and betrayal.

It is somewhat like relational replacement.  What was robbed, must be restored at least 10 times.  For every abuser, I need a group of good people to replace that defilement.  

I cannot heal alone

I cannot, and will not be healed outside of a strong, loving, and nurturing community.

Simon & Garfunkel were famous for singing "I am a rock, I am island".  Today, when I hear that song all I can think is 'wow, talk about a strong case of denial'.  No one is an island.  Our pain isolates us, but we are never in actual or complete isolation.  Even an island is surrounded by an ocean that is teaming with life.  We are never alone.  We just need the skills, the resources, and the help to reconnect outside of the pain (which is the isolator).

Furthermore, because we were born in relationship and physically birthed out of an act of intimacy, we are incapable of being alone.  From unity we were conceived, and for unity we live.

So what is recovery?

I often hear it said that people recover from sexual abuse.  I still have not heard a clear definition of what recovery looks like.  So for now, I don't have an answer.  

Instead, I have a direction.  I direct myself towards an eternal identity, and take steps until my temporary experience catches up.  For example, if my eternal identity says that "I am more than a conqueror", and my temporary experience says that "I am defeated", then I simply take intentional steps from defeat to conquering.

I don't think that there is a certain point in the healing journey that says, "Congratulations, you are now recovered."  So for now, I take it step by step.  

The Hourglass of Recovery

"As sands in the hourglass, so are the days of our lives" (queue the soap opera music from "Days of Our Lives").

We rise, we fall, and we do it all over again.  I now see life more like a spiral than a straight line.  We progress, in a continuum, around each bend.  Some bends look just like the places we have been before, but because of time and space, we know that we can never be in the exact same place ever again.  Consequently, everything is cyclical

As long as I breathe, I can lose my breathe.  This is the vulnerability of being alive.  The goal is to be intentional and willing to do whatever it takes to catch one's breathe again, until breathe is gone from this life.

God is my goal, faith is my means, and loving community is my aide.  Together, with loving, safe, and secure community, I might, just might...THRIVE.



"Keep Your Love On!" by www.LovingOnPurpose.com:

A powerful person says, "I am going to be okay no matter what you do.  You can hurt me, but you cannot make me turn my love off.  I am relentlessly going to do what I have to do to protect my connection with you, no matter what."  When you can say and do this in the face of fear, mistakes and pain, you have already won the battle between fear and love. (Danny & Sheri Silk, 2013)

Technology - Our New Veiled Eyes?

Recently, I was invited out to a social event of 20 & 30 somethings.  I attended this event full of enthusiasm to see some old friends and to potentially make some new ones.  Initially, it was hugs, laughs, and good times.

But something new was also happening:

THE 20-SOMETHINGS AVOIDED EYE CONTACT

As each new 20-something walked in, to my dismay, they completely avoided eye contact with me and others in the room.  When they walked in, their eyes were cast down and to the outside of the room.  When they did enter the main conversation, they sat down, made side-conversation between themselves, and otherwise kept separated from eye contact or socially engaging conversation.

What happened to their basic greeting skills?

Should I be hurt?  Offended?

Would it offend them if I tried to greet them again?

In all my years of travel, and years of working with different cultural and age groups, I have NEVER seen such social disengagement like this before.  This was a new experience, and I was highly concerned.

Staying Present With Each Other

When I was a Canadian youngster, there were strict codes on listening and respecting people in authority.  In class, we had to pay attention, keep our heads up, and listen actively.  In church, we had to sit properly, take notes, and recall what was discussed.  We were trained in the art of active listening, relaying information, and staying connected with the speaker.  These communication skills have made me very effective in business, in coaching, and in friendship.

Today, at church, people lounge in reclining chairs with their coffee or tea as they flip through their iPhones and iBible's.    There is no requirement for a call-answer, nor is there an expectation that the audience is an active part of the service like there once was.  The speaker is left to 'prove' themselves by engaging with an audience who isn't necessarily inclined to be engaged to begin with.  That sounds like an uphill battle!

This new communication challenge is not limited to churches.  Recently, I attended an event meeting for volunteers.  As the coordinator was reviewing emergency protocols, I looked around and began counting how many people were distracted by playing games on their iPad's or smart phones instead of listening to vital information.  I wondered how much information was actually getting through to people.  I am not sure anyone really knows the answer.

Please note: I am not opposed to relaxed environments, not opposed to beverages in meetings, and am not opposed to gaming nor smart phones.  In fact, I am quite familiar and active with all of those things.  What I am becoming concerned with is the ability for a group of people to agree to listen and to stay present with each other through healthy eye contact and non-verbal participation.  Such things are key to showing respect.

Emotional Maturity

Since attending that recent event (mentioned at the start of this blog), I have begun to wonder if our 20-somethings are capable of emotional maturity in a public setting.  Are these young adults able to hear others?  Do they understand that respect requires participation?  Are they engaged or even capable of proper social relations and interconnections?  It is not as if these are uneducated people--they are post-secondary educated professionals, who have been raised in a high quality school system.

Do we have a generation of emotionally stunted adults?  If true, the social ramification could be catastrophic.  Our future rests on the youth of today; if they cannot listen, cannot stay present with each other, what will that future look like?  I shudder at such a sobering thought.

“Emotional adjustability is one of the very important elements of social maturity... Social maturity is the process of appropriate attitudes for personal, interpersonal and social adequacies of an individual which are essential for functioning effectively in the society.” (A.S. Arul Lawrence and Rev. Dr. I. Jesudoss, 2011) Quote from their academic journal: CLICK HERE.

Stay With Me

Many hearts will cry, "Can you stay with me, even a little while?"  Eye contact is a great way to silently convey to a person that you are there with them; being present with someone is a great comfort.  Eye contact is also a cornerstone to non-verbal communication:

"A much overlooked facet which contributes greatly towards a good conversation is the use of eye contact....To break it down: 

• Eye contact opens and closes communication

• Increased eye contact is associated with credibility and dominance

• Lack of contact and blinking are interpreted as submissive

• High status people are looked at, and look more while talking than listening

• Stares = hostility, threat, sexual – may proceed attack

 (The Importance of Eye Contact, http://conversationaid.com/the-importance-of-eye-contact-part-one)

So when someone avoids eye contact, we begin to ask ourselves why.  Is the other person afraid?  Are they embarrassed?  Are they dangerous?  What are they hiding?

When eye contact is broken, a conversation is pulled away from the subject-at-hand, and is reduced to the primal reactions of fear (flight) or aggression (fight).  Such instincts are biologically normal.   We are designed to read and measure eye contact to understand where we stand and how to relate to each other.

Technology--The New Eyes

If eye contact matters so much, what is becoming of it?

Have you recently overhead a conversation between school aged kids?  If so, you have probably witnessed entire groups of people texting, often in lieu of talking.  I have seen, and even participated, in conversations with people through text, even though they are sitting within 5 feet of me.  

Even when I go to the grocery store, I observe whether or not a cashier is comfortable making eye contact.  You might be surprised...

Culture is changing!

It is my opinion, that texting and smart phones are being used as a safer set of eyes that connect us in lieu of our own raw eye-to-eye contact.  Technology buffers us from the world and from revealing our vulnerabilities.

People engage with each other, through a veil of technology.  Instead of eye-to-eye contact and facial gestures, we have emoticons, html, and pictures.  Through technology, we are able to mask our fears and insecurities by projecting an image that we feel is more acceptable than our own.

In small doses, technology is no different than any other form-altering medium such as cosmetics or fashion--the slight tweak of our appearance to convey a stronger or healthier image.  Smart phone communication is the 'photoshopping' of our verbal world.

My recent experience at this event suggested to me, that if unchecked, there are much greater consequences to technology based communications as the main form of communication.  Namely, it is possible that the basic skills of conversation, listening, tracking, empathy and compassion could be lost to quick texts and emails.

If eye to eye communication is lost or even hindered, there WILL be far-reaching implications in our society.  The human brain is hardwired to send and receive electrical impulses through eye contact, which feeds and builds our brain.  If we lose eye-to-eye contact, we could face other developmental consequences.

Eye contact is normal. Eye contact is natural. Eye contact is healthy. Infants instinctually have a strong desire to gaze into others’ eyes. Yet, why is it that so many adults with fairly good interpersonal communication skills have long since “unlearned” this fundamental and indispensable nonverbal behavior?

In the science of nonverbal communication, the most crucial portion of the body is the face. And the most important part of the face are the eyes- the eyelids, the eyebrows and the regions around the eyes.

Since the eyes are the only part of your central nervous system that make contact with the outside of your body – the old adage of “The eyes are the windows to the soul” has basis in medical fact. The practice and study of eye contact is just one aspect of the immense nonverbal value of this most precious and mysterious organ. Ignore it at your own risk. 

(Dr. G Jack Brown, "The Language Lab", 2012)

"Stay with me" is something every person will seek.  Eye contact IS connection!

Take a Look

Pay attention to your next conversations.  How many people can make and maintain healthy eye contact?  How many times do they defer to their phones?

Just look with your eyes and see who is looking with their eyes too.

You might be surprised to find out how uncommon you two are,

even in a crowd full of 'friends'.

Empathy Pains For Rehteah Parsons - A Young Canadian Dead After Alleged Rape & Bullying

Today, I read a news article about a young girl who was allegedly raped, mocked, bullied, and then in her own desperation, she killed herself.

This was not a crime in a war zone; this was a crime in a land known for peace and healing.  This young girl was Canadian.  

"The trauma of the rape and ongoing bullying caused depression and suicidal thoughts" (Huffington Post).  Her family assured Rehteah that rape wasn't her fault, but their consoling could not remove the sting of the social humiliation that Rehtaeh faced after-the-fact.

Bullying isolates its victims until he/she retreats internally into a prison that is difficult to break free from.  In this case, rape was the crime, bullying was the sentence, and shame was the prison guard.  She couldn't break free; and in despair she tried to die.

"Sexual abuse is no respecter of persons, nationality, religion, gender, age, or boundaries.  It is the dark weapon that can destroy any human spirit." 

(Elizabeth Lewis @elizabethsinbox)

READ: Globe & Mail Article; April 9, 2013

UPDATE (April 26, 2013) : There is growing public awareness but also scrutiny into Rehteah's story.  I am not surprised.  However, the remainder of this blog is not influenced by Rehteah or her story.  The rest of this blog is quite personal and stands on its own merits.  I am here to "bloggersize" and share information.  Read on...

Empathy Pains

As a survivor of rape, I am having empathy pains for Rehteah and her story.

I am now in my 30's and am still doing "clean up" from the emotional, relational, psychological, spiritual, and health damages that were caused by sexual violence since my earliest years.  I have personally felt the pains of being misunderstood, unprotected, and at times, even mocked, belittled or ignored.  I even remember the dark realization that no police officer could help me because the "law" required more than personal testimony.  Also, to go to court would mean having the emotional strength to testify--something very few survivors have.

From my teens to twenties, I had very little support for my recovery, partly because I was muffled by denial, fear, unbearable realities, and silence.  It was in the silence and isolation that several different abusers were able to infiltrate my life.  I became a repeated victim, not just by sexual violence, but also by the culture of silence that prohibited my story from being heard.  Abusers rely on the power given to them by enablers and naysayers.  It sometimes seemed that the abusers were more protected than me, the abused.

Furthermore, as many survivors of sexual abuse will tell you, it can get worse.  Once abused, we can enter into a series of abusive relationships; each relationship only shatters the broken soul more, leading to depression, anxiety, confusion, angst, and even despair.  I can testify that to this day, I can only recall one positive dating relationship.  Sadly, it ended.  He was the one man that I trusted, but when I called him months later, asking for help after a sexual assault, he said nothing.  It was at that moment, that I realized, I was not valuable enough for anyone to fight for.

My memories were repressed, I bit my lip, and carried on.  Like the Brits say "Stay Calm, Carry On".  And that is what I did, one bad relationship after another.

To this day, I am still learning to feel safe, loved, and valuable.  Now, my training allows me to differentiate between abuse-based thoughts (lies) and healing-based thoughts (truths).  I am progressing, healing, and being recreated.

Sadly, when I read Rehteah's story, I could see evidence that she had not yet received the help she needed to get her past the crippling shame and despair phase.  Her life ended too soon.  But even if she had survived, who knows what kind of situations she would have subjected herself to, without some inner healing?

The reality is that survivors of rape and sexual harm, have a propensity to make decisions that can harm themselves all over again.

Rape doesn't just violate a person's body--it steals dignity, self-worth, the ability to trust, and healthy boundaries.  What begins as the rape of the body, inevitably leads to the desecration of the soul, and the destruction of the human spirit.  That is why rape is so evil--it can literally destroy a person on all levels of spirit, soul, and body.

Some survivors become addicts, others become workaholics, depressed, physically or mentally ill, abusive, or permanent victim, and so on.  Survivors are thrust into the cycle of violence, denial, and negative coping, until they can consciously or supernaturally break free.

In fact, some of the biggest critics of recovery can even be other rape survivors themselves.  I have met some survivors who make it their sub-conscious mandate to belittle or diminish other people's stories of abuse so that they can maintain their control or negative coping skills.  It is almost as if a survivor's need for denial can be projected onto controlling other victims to maintain their silence.

So how did I break free?

Fortunately I met caring Christians and professionals who have been generously walking the healing journey with me.  A special thanks today goes to Dave Bamford of "Positive Changes Now Counselling".  I can now say that I am recovering and see the possibilities of thriving.  The nightmares have finally stopped and other progress is now evident.  Nevertheless, recovery will continue one step at a time, unless a major miracle occurs.

Advocacy & Public Speaking

I am now an Advocate and Public Speaker for inner healing, surviving, and hopefully THRIVING!  I've been asked to speak in several countries already, with a book in the works.

In the meantime, I continue to relearn how to live, write, communicate, love, trust, and have meaning.  I am honoured to serve and to love those who are not yet able to love themselves--I am referring to the survivors of sexual harm and the used and abused.

I endeavor to continue developing the skills to support survivors, encourage them, and inspire them.

Canadian Reality Check 

In Canada, at least 20% of our adult population admits to having been sexually harmed, and 17% by the time they are 18.  Most believe the numbers of victims are SUBSTANTIALLY higher than that.  I have heard numbers as high as 1/3 women have been sexually harmed and 1/4 men.  These numbers reveal a pandemic of sexual harm in our nation of Canada.

The problem of rape sits on three-strongholds:

1. Culture of Silence - Silence allows shame to grow exponentially.  Victims can despair in silence and shame.  
2. Victim Isolation - Rape harms the victim, but it also robs the victim's entire relational network of its innocence.  If a victim is treated on an individual bases, sometimes they heal alone, which can further isolate the survivor.  Most survivors need the help of their friends, family, church, and community in order to feel safe, loved, accepted, and re-integrated into the community's strength.  It takes a community to raise a child, but it also takes a community to heal its most vulnerable.
3. Myth of Justice - Is there truly a justice for rape?  Not particularly.  In some cases, there is legal action, financial reparations; but are these things truly justice for what was lost in rape?  The only justice I have found so far is in my faith, with forgiveness, and the hope of a better life.  But I had to concede the justice was not mine to earn or gain in this lifetime (that would be futile), but something hoped for by my eternal God.  If someone balks at this, I would gladly ask them what other justice there is?  

The Healing Process?!?

Healing from sexual harm requires an initial plan of therapy, but it will also require an ongoing support system as new reactions will pop up throughout a survivor's entire life.  It can be a long and painful road to recovery.  We all look for the quick-fixes, but until then, there is just hard work and accurate therapy with a support system of love.

What can you do to help?

Ignorance and silence allows rape to win.  One of the best ways to deal with sexual violence is to stop protecting the ignorance and silence surrounding sexual violence and listen to the stories. Let people grieve.  Get educated.  We need Public Awareness to shine on every abuse, to chase the darkness and isolation away.

Abusers thrive in secrecy, so let's remove their power to abuse again--reveal the truth!

If you are an abuser--get help, ASAP!  Please turn yourself in, seek a therapist, and GET HELP!!!   Stop the crimes before it happens again.

Also, if you are financially able, consider donating to a local Sexual Abuse Hotline or Help Centre such as CASA: DONATE TODAY.  

Letting Victims Speak...

PHOTO Courtesy of: Rapes Going Unnoticed

PHOTO Original HERE

PHOTO Original HERE

PHOTO ADVERT from HERE

"Usually, the rapist starts out thinking you will consent to sex with him, and when you say no, he carries on anyway."

Observations from 15 Years of Studying Mysticism and Conventionalism

2012 was specifically a year of travel and visiting various groups of mystics.  Nevertheless, 2012 was only one out of fifteen years of my spiritual and religious studies, both informally and formally.

I have visited, studied, and participated in both the mystical and the conventional branches of those who say they love Jesus.  I have sat in Orthodox pews, Catholic prayer halls, mystical gold clouds, and seen people's teeth turn gold right in front of me.  I have made many observations, but one major conclusion.  

This blog discusses both the observations and the major conclusion from 15 years of study.

OBSERVATIONS:

- The Orthodox Church in Canada is amazingly mystical (mysticism is defined as the experience of God). I witnessed miracles in the Edmonton Orthodox church.

- The Pentecostal church can be shockingly conventional (those who profess to believe in a powerful God but are unwilling to pray for healing, miracles or anything supernatural)

- Our nationality plays a major role in our translation of love, the experience of God, and the conventions of our faith.  I learned this the hard way when travelling to places who are rather "muted" in their expressions of love to one another.  That doesn't mean that they do not love; but it does mean that love is a language that often requires a translator!

- There is a burgeoning group of Christians in every denomination who think as Kingdom people, not as nationalists nor denominationalists.  These are the ones to watch, for some fun Christianity.

- Each person's emotional and relational health has a strong correlation to their spiritual development.  Those with love, inheritance, and security are more able to connect and relate with God, than those who are broken, confused, or wounded.

- Exponential--those who have and given blessings, get exponentially more, whereas, those with hurts and trauma, get exponentially hurt and depressed.  

I could go on and on…but let's get back on point.  Here are two reasons that I write this blog:

1) Clearly I enjoy the mystical, the mysterious and the quantum side of God and His Kingdom and I will continue to write about it, perpetuate it, grow in it etc.  Those of you who also enjoy this, read my blog, have invited me to speak etc.

2) The realization, that if the mystical experience of God is devoid of practical and measurable love (the kind of love people can rely on and the kind of love that perseveres, covers, and blesses), then without tangible love, all of the mysticism is still just "noise" (noise is explained in 1 Cor 13).

The second point was extremely shocking to me to come to terms with.  For, if I can prophesy, speak in tongues, and raise the dead, but I do not have the matching (and greater) love/charity that 'SHOULD' go with it…then my mystical experience is no more authentic than the guy trading pigeons in the temple.

SHOCK SHOCK SHOCK.

You mean, I can move mountains and have missed the target?  I can walk through time, space, and the heavenlies, but miss the point altogether? Ya, I know that the Word talks about this, but for some reason, the impact hit me in a new way, all over again.  So I have been humbled, shocked, and awed that my attempt at reaching the heavens, could still be 'iniquity' (defined by he or she who does what is right in their own eyes).

SOBERING REALITY CHECK.

Now I am not going to throw out the mystical baby with the conventional bath water simply because I don't understand how it all works together.  Clearly, I need the left hand and the right hand to work together.

What I do have is a "Love Litmus Test".  For me, I can tell if I am loving or unloving when I measure my reaction to jerks.  JERKS are the biggest indicator of my ability or inability to love accurately.  I have had a few jerks in my life (extortion, betrayal, slander, abuse etc).  Those people really know how to grind my gears!  Arg, I can't stand the harm that they have caused me.  JERKS!

And yet, THOSE very "jerks" are the ones I am called to love, just as much as I am called to love the people I actually like.  GAH!  Why are the jerks in my life the very ones who are teaching me about my own love-limits?

Oooooo, that can be frustrating and they can be frustrating too.  But you know me.  I am always looking for the optimistic turn around to take a negative against me into a positive for me.  And I must do the same with those jerks!

I will win by learning to love the jerks who stole, robbed, defiled, humiliated, and scorned me.  They are now my love-litmus test.  If I can love them, then I can love.

BACK TO MYSTICISM & CONVENTIONALITY

Many of my friends are mystics and Wild Ones, while many more of my friends are conventional and as tame as a sheep on a Welsh hill.  The point is this: whether they are wild or tame; nice or jerk-ish; mine or yours; European or Canadian...all are one in Jesus.  At least, that is what my Bible tells me.  In reality, many of us are still separating one from another.

It is time for change.  It is time to participate in the culture of love that "covers" people, not separates them.  It is time for letting the wheat and the weed grow together, and let it sort out in the end.  

Are we there yet?  I am not sure that I am.  Sadly, I am still working on loving the jerks in my life.   I need both the mystical and the conventional branches of my faith community to teach me how to love those who are seemingly impossible to love.  Sometimes, that even includes myself.

MAJOR CONCLUSION:  

Convention and Mysticism are both necessary in order for us to love accurately from Heaven to Earth

Convention gives us family, homes, function, form, roles, relationships etc (this leads to a positive mental health).  Mysticism gives us adventure, possibilities, dreams, invention, and invigoration (which we need for positive mental health).  Both convention and mysticism are necessary for each other to function and grow.  Generally speaking, convention offers maturity in love (stability, safety etc), while mysticism offers healing, quantum, kingdom and miracles.

BOTH CONVENTION AND THE MYSTICAL ARE NEEDED, BECAUSE WE ARE NOT YET ALL THINGS TO ALL PEOPLE (even if Paul managed it, I have not yet met anyone else who can).

Just to throw an additional card into the hand, consider this: the Christian God is Triune (3 bodies, 1 essence).  If our God is so complex, then why do we expect ourselves to be anything less?  We may have many denominational bodies...but surely we can be of ONE ESSENCE!!!

So my Dear Dear Mystic friends--go hug a Conventionalist today and learn about the rudiments of love.

My Dear Dear Conventional friends--go hear a story from a Mystic today and learn about how wide and deep and expansive God's Kingdom is with its miracles, phenomena, and possibilities.

Let's show each other love and blessing; rather than focus on the things that we simply do not understand in one another.

ADDITIONAL CONCLUSION:

We are part of a blended Christian family who has been divorced and remarried thousands of denominational times;
it is time that we embrace it by embracing each other!

Angelic in Aberdeen

Family, Friends, and the Intrigued,

(excerpts from an email sent on December 16, 2012)

Well, ABERDEEN has been quite the adventure.  When I arrived, there was such an experience of joy and light.  I received several looks of shock and amazement from people on the street.  I have seen that look before; it happens when I am "radiating". Depending on who you ask, I might have actually been glowing.  I was happy and wanted to take a photo to show how I was feeling at this point on the trip (photo attached).  I was amazed when the photo showed me in light (the pic was taken in a dimly lit hotel room and the photo didn't make sense to the room's lighting; it should have been darker and shown the walls behind me).

I went out, picked up some chicken and headed back to the hotel.  That is when things changed (evil has an intentionally dark intelligence against our weakest points).  There was a situation with the man on night duty, and the result was that I was no longer feeling safe in my hotel room.  No details are required, suffice it to say that it was not a good scenario.

So I had decisions to make.  How do I respond?  Do I call the police?  What about the manager, where is his number?  Was the man a threat or was this just a trigger?  What is the wise response when I was alone in my hotel, at midnight, in a strange city?

I made some quick responses, jammed the lock in the door, barricaded it, and then I reached out to a few Christians for prayer.  These people were from various countries around the world. 

Even though the people I reached out to didn't know each other, they EACH responded in unity that they felt that I was safe and that my room was full of angels.  Oh really?  At that moment, I could only feel the pounding of my heart in my chest.  Thankfully, with all I have seen and heard about the past 5 years, I am open to experiencing God and the angelic.  So with my door locked, I tucked safely in my hotel bed and I prayed: "God, if other people say that there are angels in my room, let me see it too." 

I immediately had a picture of a massive angel hovering above and behind me (I was curled up on my side).  Then I had a sensation of a hand on my back (providing safety). I felt a glow and a warm shiver all over.  The 'glow' was so amazing, that I just revelled in the experience and asked for a 'second dose'.  It was so exciting that I mused, "so that is what people were talking about when they experienced a 'heavenly' touch".  It was pure ambrosia.  My spirit, soul, and body relaxed. 

While praying for the ability to connect with the angelic (in the way that everyone had mentioned was occurring), I also had a very practical moment where I decided--I would tell management about the inappropriate encounter in the morning. The natural and supernatural work in tandem.

So let's refer back to the "angelic activity".  While I was experiencing that warm glow, I took a deep breathe to calm my heart rate................and then............

................in a blink of an eye, it was morning.  LITERALLY.  Just like that; one breathe, and it was morning.

What happened to the time in between?  Usually I remember falling asleep, having dreams, rolling over, fluffing the pillows etc.  But in this case, I simply "skipped" all of that.  It was as if one moment I was awake, experiencing the angelic, and the next thing, *POOF*--it was early morning.

Even though what woke me was unpleasant (the neighbours were having vigorous and graphic relations), I had awakened in peace.  The peace did not diminish my need for practical order & justice; I was still determined to report the events to management.  But I had peace!  For me, that was a miracle!

As I write, the church Elder spoke out to me, "Let not your heart be troubled; neither let it be afraid",  John 14:27). 

Even though darkness had attempted to overtake me, God's light still shone.  In fact, the next day, when I attended an African Church in Aberdeen, the Elder's wife reported that she thought I was visibly "glowing".  She felt compelled to meet me.  She, and many others had confirmed that they thought I was "glowing".  To me, this is just more phenomena on an otherwise banal day. It is as if God is more visible against the backdrop of the earthen.

DOES THE SUPERNATURAL AND ANGELIC ACTUALLY HAPPEN? 

For the past 4 or 5 years, I have been investigating the supernatural in greater detail.  I have met people who have shared their own experiences with God, the angelic, and so on.  There are numerous reports that people have seen wounds restored, people getting healed of cancer, blood disorders, and various other illnesses.  I've also met people who profess to have seen the dead raised to life (including in Africa, Pakistan, and Northern California).

It seems to me that the universe, God-created, is as vast and mysterious as God is.  If God is spirit, and we have God's image, than we can anticipate and experience God.  I call these events, whether practical or mysterious, as "supernatural". 

God is able to do "above and beyond all that we could ask or think".  Just go to a movie--there is a LOT that any of us can ask or think about.  So why do we limit God?  If he can do more than anything I could ask for, I might as well ask BIG!  I asked to see the angelic in Aberdeen, and in this experience, I think I did.

It is easy to get caught up in trendy humanism and secularism, particularly in Canada.  But I keep my attitude simple--if God is alive (and I believe God is alive), and God created ALL things, then even the mundane or the miraculous can reveal God.  I am not afraid to look, to ask, to seek; thus, I am open to considering the weird, the wacky, and the wonderful as part of the creative expressions of God.  In fact, it is quite fun.

DO I HAVE MORE STORIES ABOUT THE SUPERNATURAL? 

Oh yes!  There are loads of stories.  I have begun to collect stories of healings, miracles, and conversions en masse (such as an entire town of people being changed by the appearance of Jesus in all of the town's dreams). 

Some of these phenomenons I have witnessed in person, throughout my travels; some of these phenomenons my friends and colleagues have personally witnessed. It is a dynamic time to be a Christian!     

There are vast groups of Christians around the world who are moving in the supernatural, under the radar of most mainstream churches.  You can distinguish them by the volume of joy and love that many of them exude that far exceeds many traditional groups. 

The supernatural Christians tend to embrace people with tremendous joy and love, including people who have otherwise been rejected by mainstream groups. 

Some of these "Wild Ones" (Christians experiencing God's power in the present) are trans-relocating, walking through walls, walking out of prisons, bypassing dangers and seeing life restored in people's spirit, soul, and body.  Alberta even has some of these stories.

WHY DOES THE SUPERNATURAL MATTER?

For some people, the supernatural doesn't matter.  They are happy with their world of stock markets, bureaucracy, routine, monotonous church and stability.  But they are the minority within a shrinking demographic.   

In reality, most people have glaring needs that they need filled (both naturally and supernaturally).  More than 50% of the world is living on $2.50 per day (Global Issues), with 26.3% of the world's total population being under the age of 14 (Index Mundi).   If there is one thing we know about children--it is that they are not afraid to ask or think for great things!  They are dreamers...

Children and families first need sustenance then significance and then the supernatural.  Oftentimes, missions organizations will feed people first, then provide housing and then Bible training. Thus, the supernatural people (missionaries) feeds the natural and the natural charity creates an opportunity for more supernatural!   It's a feedback loop. 

There was a lot of theology packed into that last paragraph, so I will leave that for another day...

FOR NOW...JUST CONSIDER THE POSSIBILITIES...ASK, SEEK, KNOCK...

Love - "Eye Know It"

The thing about being in another country, within another culture, is that I can quickly see that love is more than an idea, it is an exchange and an experience.  When love is present, everything seems to work.  When love is absent, hidden or repressed; everything seems to contort into pain, discomfort, or even insecurity.  But how do I know if I am loved?

Good question.  I don't have an immediate or scientific analysis for how I know if I am loved.  I guess that I simply "know" it.  Let's think about it further and let's get specific.

The last time you met someone at work or church or at home, as people, we immediately greet or avoid each other.  A flurry of information is passed between our senses, our biology, our posture, our words, and our presence. Within those first few moments, a person can quickly deduce a lot of information, such as: do they like me, are they happy to see me, are we on good terms?  etc...

All of that information happens in a quick moment.  And in that moment, we can often determine whether or not we are loved and loving.

Love as a Science & Creator

In the age of scientific discovery, some have found that love can be biologically, chemically, and electrically measured.  There are so many studies on this, I will contain it to one.

Dr. Amen, a forerunner in brain analysis, is doing some groundbreaking work that scientifically proves the importance of love attachments towards healthy brain function. Dr. Amen actually scans the brain to discover whether or not a person has had a drug issue, trauma, depression, or other brain injuries.  A lack of love is considered to cause a brain injury!!

Check out his talk about love as a drug (substance): Dr. Amen Talks About Love or his book that talks about the impact of emotional trauma on the brain and relationships.

Love is also a creative force.  I believe that love is as real as carbon, hydrogen, amino acids or any other building block for creation--it is both tangible and measurable and it is also flexible in the unique ways that love combines us with people, places, memories, and experiences.  Love, as a substance is something that our brain translates (biological basis of love) and our heart absorbs.

Consequently, love is a fundamental building block that reflects both our scientific and creative origins and could be viewed as the tangible experience of our Creator.

"Eye Know It" 

So how do we communicate love?  Yes, there are the "5 Love Languages" that Dr. Gary Chapman talks about.  But more simply, love and acceptance are transferred from your eye to my eye, through eye contact (citation from "Thrive Recovery"). 

We can give and receive love as quickly as an electrical impulse passes from your eye to my eye, 6 times per second or so (ibid).  It can be that fast!  Love is simple, biological, spiritual, and emotional and is all wrapped up in a little packet of information that flies from my brain, through my eye, to your eye, and back through your brain.  If I have love in my heart, you will see it.  If you have love for me, I will see it.  Our brains will complete all of the other details.

Disclaimer: there are clearly more than one way we can receive the biology of love, which is why people who are blind can give and receive love.  I am simply keeping this topic simple and broad and so am focusing on eye-to-eye contact.

Oh, and I was just listening to another study that indicated that the electrical rhythms of the heart are strong enough to change our brain's patterns.  But again, the science around this is all new, so I will leave you to your own research.

Love & God

As a person who believes that God is love, this puts my faith into very simple and plain terms.  If there is love in my heart, you will SEE it.  Your eyes will receive it, your brain will interpret it, and depending on your internal health, your heart will feel it.

So lets be plain.  Either you will see that I love you or and I will see that you love me, or we won't.  But deep down, we will each KNOW the difference. That doesn't mean that our brain stops thinking once a signal is sent.  For example, some people see love, but turn it into passion whereas others see interpret love as codepency etc.  But again, this blog post is going to remain simple so I won't go into that right now.

Love as a Currency

It is interesting to note that my capacity for love will determine my ability to share love.  The more I have, the more I can give.  The less I have, the less I can give.  Thus, what I have, I share.  It is unlikely that I can give more love than I myself have experienced.

For example, let's use an illustration with money.  If I have 100 coins, I can share 100 coins.  If you want 200 coins, I either have to borrow from someone else or owe you a debt.  Either way, the difference has to come from somewhere (my pocket, your pocket, or someone else's pocket).

I believe that love is also a currency that we trade in.  If you want all of my love, you will expect me to have the capacity to meet your needs.  However, if I am deficient in love, then I either owe you more or need to rely on someone else to meet your need.  The benefit of faith, is that if we are each connected to God as our primary source of love, we have an eternal supply.  If we do not have the benefit of faith, then we must rely on the limited capacity around us to supply us with love.  Either way, the choice of currency is ours.

This is why love is not just about individuals: we are inter-dependent.  Just think of massive amounts of love-transactions that occur on earth every day.  If every person sees 1 person per day...that is...well...it is BILLIONS of transactions.  That is a massive exchange. 

If we withdraw and deposit love, it has to originate from somewhere or someone.  This, again, is why I believe that God is love.  Part of our created design is to receive love (debit) from God, and send it to someone else (credit).  They feed it back to us, and it returns to God.  This is the whole nature of "Royal Law": Love God and Love your neighbor as yourself. It is a give-give-give scenario.  With God in the equation, there is an endless supply and an abundance.  Without God, there is a serious lack.

Love creates love who feeds love back to the Creator.  It's a feedback loop!

Love can also be SIMPLE

Here is a simple statement: I will know you by your love.  Never mind your degrees, your philosophies, your doctrine, your accomplishments, your social status, your money, or your prestige, my brain and my eyes will know you by the love you communicate to me.

So let's practice!  The next time I see you or you see me, let's try this: let's intentionally think of love and make eye contact.  I agree, it might sound silly at first, but I am up for the risk.  Maybe just remind me first :)

Because I really am beginning to believe that love is simple (possibly rare), but altogether simple: LOVE JUST IS.  Either you we love or we don't.  I hope we do.  Because I need love, and I am fairly certain that you do too.

If we want to see anything change in this world, we must understand that love is a building block of our faith, our universe, and our basic identity.  It seems like a good time to practice!  Because love is more than an idea, it is an exchange and an experience of Being.

3 Dreams, 3 Realities, 3 Status Updates - The life of a 30+ year old, Christian Woman

Today a friend asked me, "What happened to your blog Elizabeth?"  Good question!  The answer is swallowed up in what I call 'Learning to Be Nomadic: The Life of Dreams, Not Yet Fulfilled.'  In the time it takes to process and cope with an unpredictable life, I have left my writing to the wayside.  So today, I pick up my writing implements. 

DISCLAIMER: This blog is not for the happy-go-lucky ones with their head in the sand.  This is an open look at dreams versus reality in the life of a Christian, single woman in her earlier 30’s.

I will present 3 Dreams, 3 Realities and their existing statuses with notes on how the experience has left an impact.   The point of sharing personal stories is progressive, not linear.  You are invited to process your own story alongside or in juxtaposition to mine.  The choice is entirely yours. 

While you read this blog, please consider what your dreams are, and what their status is today.  You might be encouraged at the progress you have already experienced or you might be shocked to realize that your dreams are not yet fulfilled either.  Nevertheless, let’s grow together!

Dream #1: Go to Africa and work in an orphanage (since age 4).

Reality #1: Haven’t been to Africa (yet) and still haven’t had the opportunity to work in an orphanage (yet).  Dream is +25 overdue, but still alive.  I have travelled to over 10 countries, 3 continents, and have volunteered with trauma, healing, deliverance, wholeness, etc., but not with any orphans specifically and not in Africa. 

Status: Active; to be completed.

I love children and have always wanted the opportunity to love, cover, protect, and provide for large groups of children who are orphaned, abandoned, or unwanted.  To me, working in an orphanage is a luxury, an honour, and a dream.  So this dream will stay ‘active’.  In the meantime, Isaiah 54 keeps me comforted.  And, as you will note later in this blog, I am developing a slightly better understanding of what an abandoned (or orphaned) person may go through. 

Dream #2: Marry and have children (my own and/or adopted)

Reality #2: Single, no children

Status: WTF?!? (What’s the flaw??!)  The distance between this dream and its hoped-for-reality has been AGONIZING.  I would sometimes describe the experience as: heart-gouging, bone-sucking, depression-causing, faith-challenging, and even mind-bending.  I would not recommend this experience for anyone else.  I have had to learn how to cope.  In some ways, I have chosen good coping skills such as good counsel, hobbies, etc.  In some ways, I have chosen bad coping skills such as blame, confusion, depression, wrong guys etc.  This whole aspect of life and reality is still a major work in progress.  I cannot control it, and so I have released it and have chosen to work on my own life in the meantime.  I have gone for prayer, Sozo, healing retreats etc.  It all helps to heal, but has yet to cure this hope-deferral.

Singleness and rejection are touchy subjects for many women in the church today.  Since we were young, we dreamed of being a princess with a man who will come and sweep us off our feet.  We read Christian literature that talks about being captivating, living with purpose and so on.  Yet, in reality, the church dating scene is rife with rejection, blame-shifting, distortion, sexual deviation, abandonment, lies and appears to be devoid of any redeemable purpose.

The church dating scene is truly a mess and an antithesis to who Jesus is for the majority of participants.  Entire dating websites and healing ministries have been erected to address the scores of Christians who have been bloodied by the Church Dating Scene.  Take a survey of your own church and check out the large section of singles and count how many potential or previous relationships are represented in your church alone.  It is astounding.

The messages that those failed relationships bring to people are: “I am just not worth marrying” or “I need to try harder to be loved, chosen”.  The process of deferral, rejection, not-close-enough, is destroying so many good people.  And the dating wheel keeps turning as people try match after match, without yielding better results.  I watch as the same men pursue woman after woman, looking for Eve.  It is an insatiable game of lose-lose.

Today’s Adam blames today’s Eve for not being perfect.  Yet, today’s Eve is looking for an Adam who will create a garden for her to dwell in.  At some point, there will be the breakthrough men who realize that dominion, in this case, is about tending to the garden they are placed in, rather than dreaming of the garden that is already gone.  Where are the Boaz’s?  Where are the Joseph’s (Jesus’ step-dad)?  Rise, oh please rise, and create a safe haven for the Ruth’s, Mary’s, and daughters of your King.

So fellas out there--be the redeemed man that Eve’s are looking for.  Eve is not your salvation--Jesus is!!!  Be Jesus in flesh to the women in front of you.

Dream #3: Purpose, Assurance, Stability

Reality #3: WHAT AM I DOING? WHERE AM I GOING?  WHY CAN’T I STAY PUT?

Status #3: Another WTF (What’s the flaw?).  The area of purpose is so challenging for a woman whose base dreams are still pending.  Furthermore, I have learned that being single, on a single income, and reliant on the goodness of others, means a high level of unpredictability.  If a landlord changes their mind on a rental, my house (tent) moves.  If a business connection changes or an employer changes, my income prospects move too.  In 30+ years of life, I have yet to know what it is like to be grounded in one location anymore than a tetherball is grounded to a distant pole that is the centre of a revolving life.  In this regard, the only thing within my control is the speed, tenacity, and attitude I possess while spinning in a vague resemblance of ‘forward’.  At every turn, I hope for something new that is good.

So there it is.  3 dreams have been listed, with 3 realities that contravene those dreams.  Such is the all-too-common life in the church; we are ever pursuing, rarely resting, frequently seeking The North Star.

I am a descendent of an ‘Evangelical Diaspora’ (term coined by me).  I’ve been scattered to the winds of infrequent hope-deferred, while being told that joy is all mine!  The paradoxes of faith versus reality are astounding.  Thank GOD, that my hope is not fully in the things of this world or depression would play a bigger role in my life than it already has begun to.  

I am resolving the disparity between faith and reality with loving & secure relationships, community, and roles in the community.  I like to sing, make music, celebrate successes of others--so that is what I do!  I encourage and I desire encouragement.  I love and I want to be loved.  I cry, I scratch my head, I get frustrated, and I can get overwhelmed.  It is in those down times that the Psalms bring wind to my sails.  I need to choose my comforts wisely.  I’ve learned that food and fickle men are NOT good comforts.

So what do I take away from this?  I purpose to have purpose, I intention my choices so I can see measurable results and so on.  Most importantly, I surround myself with life-giving community who have experienced hope fulfilled so that I can learn by their experience.  The goal of this is to share in life giving relationships, secure bonds that are full of Truth and Spirit, love, and security.  In these, my Being is uplifted and restored for a journey through a ‘Relationship Wilderness’ (term coined by me).

After reading this blog, I have observed an irony: that I am more of an orphan than I realized.  Perhaps the people I want to help are the people that I can relate to??!  We are told to comfort those with the comfort we ourselves have received (2 Corinthians 2:3,4), ESV.  Perhaps, just perhaps, my experience in this ‘Relationship Wilderness’ is training so that I can truly love the orphans with a love that is both practical and inspired.

2 Corinthians 1:3-5, English Standard Version (ESV)

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For as we share abundantly in Christ's sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too.

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