PAIN: Reality vs Fantasy (1 Year from Disclosure)

Picture from KoffeeKlub

As young children, many of us liked stories of war or conquest--not because of the gruesome realities of the violence, betrayal, and evil--but because of the many stories about triumph, honour, unlikely heroes and victories.  We like happy endings, no matter what horror or challenges led up to the happy ending.  In fact, sometimes we like the happy endings more, once we know that the story was gruesome but the ending was spectacular.  

It seems to me that glamour and success are relative to the contrast created by victory.  In other words, we are results oriented; when we can define a journey through its result(s), we will increase or decrease the role of suffering based on the amount of success experienced when reviewing the result.

Photo from:
http://westafricanprincess.wordpress.com/2012/07/

If you have been through a war or a major trauma, you have already learned that the result will not diminish the costs that it took to achieve the result (ex. victory in war versus the losses sustained during the war).  In reality, pain and success are like a two headed monster: they work together, and are quite inseparable.

HOW DOES PAIN APPLY TO RECOVERY?

Recently, I had a conversation with someone about the process of recovery from sexual abuse.  It occurred to me, despite my public writing and public speaking, that I still do an 'avoidance dance' by not fully revealing how difficult recovery can actually be.  In truth, recovery can be a vomit-inducing, sweat-producing, tear-staining process (sometimes literally and sometimes figuratively speaking).

Photo from FaithFriend: LINK

Why would I avoid telling the whole & awful truth about the recovery process?  Because some people don't want to hear the unfiltered truth; instead, some have expressed a desire for the filtered story only.  They want to know that I 'made it', not the stark and daily realities of the healing process.  They just want to hear, "I am OK".

But what they want isn't reality; what they want is the result.  They just want to know that everything worked out and the pain has stopped.  But the reality of recovery is that it is about "Progress, Not Perfection" (slogan from many Recovery programs).  In other words, pain is non-negotiable most of the time.

There are some scars from sexual abuse that may never go away.  In reality a person can learn to forgive, but he/she is also likely to never forget (excluding persons with high abilities to disassociate or go into denial--the ones who can 'unplug').

Instead, there is a hard road of counselling, redefining relationships, sometimes even a change in career or city, other times it may require personal losses, shame, uncertainty, fear, humiliation and so on.  Recovery can involve a loss upon loss, line upon line.

DO WE PREFER FANTASY?

We are a culture that feeds on entertainment, success stories, faith healings, and sometimes even fantasy.   Just think of how many people you know that spend their lives in denial or in pursuing the holy grail simply because dealing with their own issues would be too messy and too painful?  For some, it is easier to stay in denial or in fantasy, rather than walk the difficult road that is currently their path.

I am not against hope and I like miracles.  In fact, I have personally witnessed and tested out supernatural phenomena and miracles.  Nevertheless, I have come to the conclusion that 'until' a miracle or breakthrough is experienced, there is simply a lot of hard work and pain.  Such brazen reality is truly "OK" because suffering can yield good results (if the pain is for healing, not because of continued abuse).

All fairy tales have their 'other side' called reality.
Photo courtesy of: click HERE 

So we have a choice: face the pain and own the process OR deny the pain and avoid the outcome (and avoidance usually brings bad results).

Even if we wish for God to "take this cup from me" (Mark 14:36), suffering might be inevitable.  Fortunately, for those with faith, we know that God can bring good out of any mess.  We also know that perseverance builds character (Romans 5:3-5).  As the saying goes, "smooth seas do not make skillful sailors".

A few famous quotes about suffering and hope:

• "In this world you will have trouble, but take heart [Jesus] has overcome the world" (John 16:33, NIV)
• "Life is Suffering" (One of Four Buddhist "Noble Truths")
• '[l]ife's a piece of sh*t when you look at it--always look on the bright side of life' (Monty Python)
• "God had one son on earth without sin, but never one without suffering." (St Augustine)

GIVE ME SOME HOPE!!!

There is something within the human spirit that will fight to survive.  We know that pain is not the whole story and nothing but the story.  There is redemption, possibilities, hope, resurrection, new beginnings and so on.  We have this powerful urge to survive--no matter what.   Perhaps that is why suicide is such a sadness to so many--it is against our primal nature to live.

We all like the success stories.  I like to hear about how the prince gets the princess, how the pauper becomes wealthy, how the loser becomes the cool one.  I like success.  I like hearing about success.  I like knowing people who have succeeded.  These successes are part of the hope of living.  

WE WANT RESULTS!!!  AND WE NEED HOPE!  I encourage everyone I know to go through stories of hope; to connect with people who have hope; and to be in a community that teaches hope.  Get connected to a source of hope!

SO WHAT ABOUT THE LONG PROCESS?

"It is the crushed grape that makes the wine" (Anonymous).  Being crushed, step by step, yields a result; some would call this 'the refining process'.  No matter what the instrument of growth is, wanted or unwanted, right or wrong, once we are flattened out, we can still become something greater than before: I can become the "ME" that I always knew I was intended to "BE".

It was one year ago that I went public with my story: May (2012).  It has been a whirlwind journey since then.  I am grateful for a loving and supporting community including some friends, some family and even some strangers (please note, not all are supportive as some cannot or will not even face this with me).

Since 2012's disclosure, we have each been challenged, some have been pressed by ideologies, crushed by pain, raised up in faith, loved and yet others have been distanced.  Nevertheless, I can see the growth (not only my own growth, but the growth that family members have gone through alongside of me).  We are being refined by unwanted truths.

Abuse tells you that 'it is your fault'; silence also tells you that 'it is your fault'; but truth, love, and acceptance will tell you 'it was never your fault and I will be present with you in your sufferings (I will not hide or run, but I will STAY WITH YOU)'.  I was simply thrown into a cycle that I never wanted to be in.  Now it is my turn and my move.  The power is back in my corner.  And I choose to live!  I desire to thrive!  And I will purpose myself accordingly.  

This little grape doesn't go down without churning out some FINE WINE!!  (I smile as I type that last line).

BRAIN-MIND-SPIRIT SCIENCE

(By Dr. Karl Lehman, "Outsmarting Yourself").  Link to his work: CLICK HERE.

When we encounter pain, our brain-mind-spirit system always tries to process the painful experience. There is a very deliberate pathway that this pain processing attempt will follow, and there are specific processing tasks that we must complete as we travel along this pathway, such as staying emotionally connected, navigating the situation in a satisfying way, and correctly interpreting the meaning of the experience. When we are able to successfully complete this processing journey, we get through the painful experience without being traumatized – we emotionally and cognitively “metabolize” the experience in a healthy way, and instead of having any toxic power in our lives, the adequately processed painful experience contributes to our knowledge, skills, empathy, wisdom, and maturity. That is, when we successfully process a painful experience we don’t just stuff it down into our unconscious, or teach ourselves to think about other things. We actually get through it, stronger and wiser.

Unfortunately, various problems and/or limitations can block successful processing; and when we are not able to complete the processing journey, then the painful experience becomes a traumatic experience and the memories for these traumatic experiences carry unresolved toxic content. When traumatic memories are activated, the toxic content they carry comes forward and powerfully affects our perceptions, thoughts, beliefs, emotions, abilities, and choices.  (Excerpt from "Outsmarting Yourself" by Dr. Karl Lehman)

Empathy Pains For Rehteah Parsons - A Young Canadian Dead After Alleged Rape & Bullying

Today, I read a news article about a young girl who was allegedly raped, mocked, bullied, and then in her own desperation, she killed herself.

This was not a crime in a war zone; this was a crime in a land known for peace and healing.  This young girl was Canadian.  

"The trauma of the rape and ongoing bullying caused depression and suicidal thoughts" (Huffington Post).  Her family assured Rehteah that rape wasn't her fault, but their consoling could not remove the sting of the social humiliation that Rehtaeh faced after-the-fact.

Bullying isolates its victims until he/she retreats internally into a prison that is difficult to break free from.  In this case, rape was the crime, bullying was the sentence, and shame was the prison guard.  She couldn't break free; and in despair she tried to die.

"Sexual abuse is no respecter of persons, nationality, religion, gender, age, or boundaries.  It is the dark weapon that can destroy any human spirit." 

(Elizabeth Lewis @elizabethsinbox)

READ: Globe & Mail Article; April 9, 2013

UPDATE (April 26, 2013) : There is growing public awareness but also scrutiny into Rehteah's story.  I am not surprised.  However, the remainder of this blog is not influenced by Rehteah or her story.  The rest of this blog is quite personal and stands on its own merits.  I am here to "bloggersize" and share information.  Read on...

Empathy Pains

As a survivor of rape, I am having empathy pains for Rehteah and her story.

I am now in my 30's and am still doing "clean up" from the emotional, relational, psychological, spiritual, and health damages that were caused by sexual violence since my earliest years.  I have personally felt the pains of being misunderstood, unprotected, and at times, even mocked, belittled or ignored.  I even remember the dark realization that no police officer could help me because the "law" required more than personal testimony.  Also, to go to court would mean having the emotional strength to testify--something very few survivors have.

From my teens to twenties, I had very little support for my recovery, partly because I was muffled by denial, fear, unbearable realities, and silence.  It was in the silence and isolation that several different abusers were able to infiltrate my life.  I became a repeated victim, not just by sexual violence, but also by the culture of silence that prohibited my story from being heard.  Abusers rely on the power given to them by enablers and naysayers.  It sometimes seemed that the abusers were more protected than me, the abused.

Furthermore, as many survivors of sexual abuse will tell you, it can get worse.  Once abused, we can enter into a series of abusive relationships; each relationship only shatters the broken soul more, leading to depression, anxiety, confusion, angst, and even despair.  I can testify that to this day, I can only recall one positive dating relationship.  Sadly, it ended.  He was the one man that I trusted, but when I called him months later, asking for help after a sexual assault, he said nothing.  It was at that moment, that I realized, I was not valuable enough for anyone to fight for.

My memories were repressed, I bit my lip, and carried on.  Like the Brits say "Stay Calm, Carry On".  And that is what I did, one bad relationship after another.

To this day, I am still learning to feel safe, loved, and valuable.  Now, my training allows me to differentiate between abuse-based thoughts (lies) and healing-based thoughts (truths).  I am progressing, healing, and being recreated.

Sadly, when I read Rehteah's story, I could see evidence that she had not yet received the help she needed to get her past the crippling shame and despair phase.  Her life ended too soon.  But even if she had survived, who knows what kind of situations she would have subjected herself to, without some inner healing?

The reality is that survivors of rape and sexual harm, have a propensity to make decisions that can harm themselves all over again.

Rape doesn't just violate a person's body--it steals dignity, self-worth, the ability to trust, and healthy boundaries.  What begins as the rape of the body, inevitably leads to the desecration of the soul, and the destruction of the human spirit.  That is why rape is so evil--it can literally destroy a person on all levels of spirit, soul, and body.

Some survivors become addicts, others become workaholics, depressed, physically or mentally ill, abusive, or permanent victim, and so on.  Survivors are thrust into the cycle of violence, denial, and negative coping, until they can consciously or supernaturally break free.

In fact, some of the biggest critics of recovery can even be other rape survivors themselves.  I have met some survivors who make it their sub-conscious mandate to belittle or diminish other people's stories of abuse so that they can maintain their control or negative coping skills.  It is almost as if a survivor's need for denial can be projected onto controlling other victims to maintain their silence.

So how did I break free?

Fortunately I met caring Christians and professionals who have been generously walking the healing journey with me.  A special thanks today goes to Dave Bamford of "Positive Changes Now Counselling".  I can now say that I am recovering and see the possibilities of thriving.  The nightmares have finally stopped and other progress is now evident.  Nevertheless, recovery will continue one step at a time, unless a major miracle occurs.

Advocacy & Public Speaking

I am now an Advocate and Public Speaker for inner healing, surviving, and hopefully THRIVING!  I've been asked to speak in several countries already, with a book in the works.

In the meantime, I continue to relearn how to live, write, communicate, love, trust, and have meaning.  I am honoured to serve and to love those who are not yet able to love themselves--I am referring to the survivors of sexual harm and the used and abused.

I endeavor to continue developing the skills to support survivors, encourage them, and inspire them.

Canadian Reality Check 

In Canada, at least 20% of our adult population admits to having been sexually harmed, and 17% by the time they are 18.  Most believe the numbers of victims are SUBSTANTIALLY higher than that.  I have heard numbers as high as 1/3 women have been sexually harmed and 1/4 men.  These numbers reveal a pandemic of sexual harm in our nation of Canada.

The problem of rape sits on three-strongholds:

1. Culture of Silence - Silence allows shame to grow exponentially.  Victims can despair in silence and shame.  
2. Victim Isolation - Rape harms the victim, but it also robs the victim's entire relational network of its innocence.  If a victim is treated on an individual bases, sometimes they heal alone, which can further isolate the survivor.  Most survivors need the help of their friends, family, church, and community in order to feel safe, loved, accepted, and re-integrated into the community's strength.  It takes a community to raise a child, but it also takes a community to heal its most vulnerable.
3. Myth of Justice - Is there truly a justice for rape?  Not particularly.  In some cases, there is legal action, financial reparations; but are these things truly justice for what was lost in rape?  The only justice I have found so far is in my faith, with forgiveness, and the hope of a better life.  But I had to concede the justice was not mine to earn or gain in this lifetime (that would be futile), but something hoped for by my eternal God.  If someone balks at this, I would gladly ask them what other justice there is?  

The Healing Process?!?

Healing from sexual harm requires an initial plan of therapy, but it will also require an ongoing support system as new reactions will pop up throughout a survivor's entire life.  It can be a long and painful road to recovery.  We all look for the quick-fixes, but until then, there is just hard work and accurate therapy with a support system of love.

What can you do to help?

Ignorance and silence allows rape to win.  One of the best ways to deal with sexual violence is to stop protecting the ignorance and silence surrounding sexual violence and listen to the stories. Let people grieve.  Get educated.  We need Public Awareness to shine on every abuse, to chase the darkness and isolation away.

Abusers thrive in secrecy, so let's remove their power to abuse again--reveal the truth!

If you are an abuser--get help, ASAP!  Please turn yourself in, seek a therapist, and GET HELP!!!   Stop the crimes before it happens again.

Also, if you are financially able, consider donating to a local Sexual Abuse Hotline or Help Centre such as CASA: DONATE TODAY.  

Letting Victims Speak...

PHOTO Courtesy of: Rapes Going Unnoticed

PHOTO Original HERE

PHOTO Original HERE

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"Usually, the rapist starts out thinking you will consent to sex with him, and when you say no, he carries on anyway."