Technology - Our New Veiled Eyes?

Recently, I was invited out to a social event of 20 & 30 somethings.  I attended this event full of enthusiasm to see some old friends and to potentially make some new ones.  Initially, it was hugs, laughs, and good times.

But something new was also happening:

THE 20-SOMETHINGS AVOIDED EYE CONTACT

As each new 20-something walked in, to my dismay, they completely avoided eye contact with me and others in the room.  When they walked in, their eyes were cast down and to the outside of the room.  When they did enter the main conversation, they sat down, made side-conversation between themselves, and otherwise kept separated from eye contact or socially engaging conversation.

What happened to their basic greeting skills?

Should I be hurt?  Offended?

Would it offend them if I tried to greet them again?

In all my years of travel, and years of working with different cultural and age groups, I have NEVER seen such social disengagement like this before.  This was a new experience, and I was highly concerned.

Staying Present With Each Other

When I was a Canadian youngster, there were strict codes on listening and respecting people in authority.  In class, we had to pay attention, keep our heads up, and listen actively.  In church, we had to sit properly, take notes, and recall what was discussed.  We were trained in the art of active listening, relaying information, and staying connected with the speaker.  These communication skills have made me very effective in business, in coaching, and in friendship.

Today, at church, people lounge in reclining chairs with their coffee or tea as they flip through their iPhones and iBible's.    There is no requirement for a call-answer, nor is there an expectation that the audience is an active part of the service like there once was.  The speaker is left to 'prove' themselves by engaging with an audience who isn't necessarily inclined to be engaged to begin with.  That sounds like an uphill battle!

This new communication challenge is not limited to churches.  Recently, I attended an event meeting for volunteers.  As the coordinator was reviewing emergency protocols, I looked around and began counting how many people were distracted by playing games on their iPad's or smart phones instead of listening to vital information.  I wondered how much information was actually getting through to people.  I am not sure anyone really knows the answer.

Please note: I am not opposed to relaxed environments, not opposed to beverages in meetings, and am not opposed to gaming nor smart phones.  In fact, I am quite familiar and active with all of those things.  What I am becoming concerned with is the ability for a group of people to agree to listen and to stay present with each other through healthy eye contact and non-verbal participation.  Such things are key to showing respect.

Emotional Maturity

Since attending that recent event (mentioned at the start of this blog), I have begun to wonder if our 20-somethings are capable of emotional maturity in a public setting.  Are these young adults able to hear others?  Do they understand that respect requires participation?  Are they engaged or even capable of proper social relations and interconnections?  It is not as if these are uneducated people--they are post-secondary educated professionals, who have been raised in a high quality school system.

Do we have a generation of emotionally stunted adults?  If true, the social ramification could be catastrophic.  Our future rests on the youth of today; if they cannot listen, cannot stay present with each other, what will that future look like?  I shudder at such a sobering thought.

“Emotional adjustability is one of the very important elements of social maturity... Social maturity is the process of appropriate attitudes for personal, interpersonal and social adequacies of an individual which are essential for functioning effectively in the society.” (A.S. Arul Lawrence and Rev. Dr. I. Jesudoss, 2011) Quote from their academic journal: CLICK HERE.

Stay With Me

Many hearts will cry, "Can you stay with me, even a little while?"  Eye contact is a great way to silently convey to a person that you are there with them; being present with someone is a great comfort.  Eye contact is also a cornerstone to non-verbal communication:

"A much overlooked facet which contributes greatly towards a good conversation is the use of eye contact....To break it down: 

• Eye contact opens and closes communication

• Increased eye contact is associated with credibility and dominance

• Lack of contact and blinking are interpreted as submissive

• High status people are looked at, and look more while talking than listening

• Stares = hostility, threat, sexual – may proceed attack

 (The Importance of Eye Contact, http://conversationaid.com/the-importance-of-eye-contact-part-one)

So when someone avoids eye contact, we begin to ask ourselves why.  Is the other person afraid?  Are they embarrassed?  Are they dangerous?  What are they hiding?

When eye contact is broken, a conversation is pulled away from the subject-at-hand, and is reduced to the primal reactions of fear (flight) or aggression (fight).  Such instincts are biologically normal.   We are designed to read and measure eye contact to understand where we stand and how to relate to each other.

Technology--The New Eyes

If eye contact matters so much, what is becoming of it?

Have you recently overhead a conversation between school aged kids?  If so, you have probably witnessed entire groups of people texting, often in lieu of talking.  I have seen, and even participated, in conversations with people through text, even though they are sitting within 5 feet of me.  

Even when I go to the grocery store, I observe whether or not a cashier is comfortable making eye contact.  You might be surprised...

Culture is changing!

It is my opinion, that texting and smart phones are being used as a safer set of eyes that connect us in lieu of our own raw eye-to-eye contact.  Technology buffers us from the world and from revealing our vulnerabilities.

People engage with each other, through a veil of technology.  Instead of eye-to-eye contact and facial gestures, we have emoticons, html, and pictures.  Through technology, we are able to mask our fears and insecurities by projecting an image that we feel is more acceptable than our own.

In small doses, technology is no different than any other form-altering medium such as cosmetics or fashion--the slight tweak of our appearance to convey a stronger or healthier image.  Smart phone communication is the 'photoshopping' of our verbal world.

My recent experience at this event suggested to me, that if unchecked, there are much greater consequences to technology based communications as the main form of communication.  Namely, it is possible that the basic skills of conversation, listening, tracking, empathy and compassion could be lost to quick texts and emails.

If eye to eye communication is lost or even hindered, there WILL be far-reaching implications in our society.  The human brain is hardwired to send and receive electrical impulses through eye contact, which feeds and builds our brain.  If we lose eye-to-eye contact, we could face other developmental consequences.

Eye contact is normal. Eye contact is natural. Eye contact is healthy. Infants instinctually have a strong desire to gaze into others’ eyes. Yet, why is it that so many adults with fairly good interpersonal communication skills have long since “unlearned” this fundamental and indispensable nonverbal behavior?

In the science of nonverbal communication, the most crucial portion of the body is the face. And the most important part of the face are the eyes- the eyelids, the eyebrows and the regions around the eyes.

Since the eyes are the only part of your central nervous system that make contact with the outside of your body – the old adage of “The eyes are the windows to the soul” has basis in medical fact. The practice and study of eye contact is just one aspect of the immense nonverbal value of this most precious and mysterious organ. Ignore it at your own risk. 

(Dr. G Jack Brown, "The Language Lab", 2012)

"Stay with me" is something every person will seek.  Eye contact IS connection!

Take a Look

Pay attention to your next conversations.  How many people can make and maintain healthy eye contact?  How many times do they defer to their phones?

Just look with your eyes and see who is looking with their eyes too.

You might be surprised to find out how uncommon you two are,

even in a crowd full of 'friends'.

Observations from 15 Years of Studying Mysticism and Conventionalism

2012 was specifically a year of travel and visiting various groups of mystics.  Nevertheless, 2012 was only one out of fifteen years of my spiritual and religious studies, both informally and formally.

I have visited, studied, and participated in both the mystical and the conventional branches of those who say they love Jesus.  I have sat in Orthodox pews, Catholic prayer halls, mystical gold clouds, and seen people's teeth turn gold right in front of me.  I have made many observations, but one major conclusion.  

This blog discusses both the observations and the major conclusion from 15 years of study.

OBSERVATIONS:

- The Orthodox Church in Canada is amazingly mystical (mysticism is defined as the experience of God). I witnessed miracles in the Edmonton Orthodox church.

- The Pentecostal church can be shockingly conventional (those who profess to believe in a powerful God but are unwilling to pray for healing, miracles or anything supernatural)

- Our nationality plays a major role in our translation of love, the experience of God, and the conventions of our faith.  I learned this the hard way when travelling to places who are rather "muted" in their expressions of love to one another.  That doesn't mean that they do not love; but it does mean that love is a language that often requires a translator!

- There is a burgeoning group of Christians in every denomination who think as Kingdom people, not as nationalists nor denominationalists.  These are the ones to watch, for some fun Christianity.

- Each person's emotional and relational health has a strong correlation to their spiritual development.  Those with love, inheritance, and security are more able to connect and relate with God, than those who are broken, confused, or wounded.

- Exponential--those who have and given blessings, get exponentially more, whereas, those with hurts and trauma, get exponentially hurt and depressed.  

I could go on and on…but let's get back on point.  Here are two reasons that I write this blog:

1) Clearly I enjoy the mystical, the mysterious and the quantum side of God and His Kingdom and I will continue to write about it, perpetuate it, grow in it etc.  Those of you who also enjoy this, read my blog, have invited me to speak etc.

2) The realization, that if the mystical experience of God is devoid of practical and measurable love (the kind of love people can rely on and the kind of love that perseveres, covers, and blesses), then without tangible love, all of the mysticism is still just "noise" (noise is explained in 1 Cor 13).

The second point was extremely shocking to me to come to terms with.  For, if I can prophesy, speak in tongues, and raise the dead, but I do not have the matching (and greater) love/charity that 'SHOULD' go with it…then my mystical experience is no more authentic than the guy trading pigeons in the temple.

SHOCK SHOCK SHOCK.

You mean, I can move mountains and have missed the target?  I can walk through time, space, and the heavenlies, but miss the point altogether? Ya, I know that the Word talks about this, but for some reason, the impact hit me in a new way, all over again.  So I have been humbled, shocked, and awed that my attempt at reaching the heavens, could still be 'iniquity' (defined by he or she who does what is right in their own eyes).

SOBERING REALITY CHECK.

Now I am not going to throw out the mystical baby with the conventional bath water simply because I don't understand how it all works together.  Clearly, I need the left hand and the right hand to work together.

What I do have is a "Love Litmus Test".  For me, I can tell if I am loving or unloving when I measure my reaction to jerks.  JERKS are the biggest indicator of my ability or inability to love accurately.  I have had a few jerks in my life (extortion, betrayal, slander, abuse etc).  Those people really know how to grind my gears!  Arg, I can't stand the harm that they have caused me.  JERKS!

And yet, THOSE very "jerks" are the ones I am called to love, just as much as I am called to love the people I actually like.  GAH!  Why are the jerks in my life the very ones who are teaching me about my own love-limits?

Oooooo, that can be frustrating and they can be frustrating too.  But you know me.  I am always looking for the optimistic turn around to take a negative against me into a positive for me.  And I must do the same with those jerks!

I will win by learning to love the jerks who stole, robbed, defiled, humiliated, and scorned me.  They are now my love-litmus test.  If I can love them, then I can love.

BACK TO MYSTICISM & CONVENTIONALITY

Many of my friends are mystics and Wild Ones, while many more of my friends are conventional and as tame as a sheep on a Welsh hill.  The point is this: whether they are wild or tame; nice or jerk-ish; mine or yours; European or Canadian...all are one in Jesus.  At least, that is what my Bible tells me.  In reality, many of us are still separating one from another.

It is time for change.  It is time to participate in the culture of love that "covers" people, not separates them.  It is time for letting the wheat and the weed grow together, and let it sort out in the end.  

Are we there yet?  I am not sure that I am.  Sadly, I am still working on loving the jerks in my life.   I need both the mystical and the conventional branches of my faith community to teach me how to love those who are seemingly impossible to love.  Sometimes, that even includes myself.

MAJOR CONCLUSION:  

Convention and Mysticism are both necessary in order for us to love accurately from Heaven to Earth

Convention gives us family, homes, function, form, roles, relationships etc (this leads to a positive mental health).  Mysticism gives us adventure, possibilities, dreams, invention, and invigoration (which we need for positive mental health).  Both convention and mysticism are necessary for each other to function and grow.  Generally speaking, convention offers maturity in love (stability, safety etc), while mysticism offers healing, quantum, kingdom and miracles.

BOTH CONVENTION AND THE MYSTICAL ARE NEEDED, BECAUSE WE ARE NOT YET ALL THINGS TO ALL PEOPLE (even if Paul managed it, I have not yet met anyone else who can).

Just to throw an additional card into the hand, consider this: the Christian God is Triune (3 bodies, 1 essence).  If our God is so complex, then why do we expect ourselves to be anything less?  We may have many denominational bodies...but surely we can be of ONE ESSENCE!!!

So my Dear Dear Mystic friends--go hug a Conventionalist today and learn about the rudiments of love.

My Dear Dear Conventional friends--go hear a story from a Mystic today and learn about how wide and deep and expansive God's Kingdom is with its miracles, phenomena, and possibilities.

Let's show each other love and blessing; rather than focus on the things that we simply do not understand in one another.

ADDITIONAL CONCLUSION:

We are part of a blended Christian family who has been divorced and remarried thousands of denominational times;
it is time that we embrace it by embracing each other!

Love - "Eye Know It"

The thing about being in another country, within another culture, is that I can quickly see that love is more than an idea, it is an exchange and an experience.  When love is present, everything seems to work.  When love is absent, hidden or repressed; everything seems to contort into pain, discomfort, or even insecurity.  But how do I know if I am loved?

Good question.  I don't have an immediate or scientific analysis for how I know if I am loved.  I guess that I simply "know" it.  Let's think about it further and let's get specific.

The last time you met someone at work or church or at home, as people, we immediately greet or avoid each other.  A flurry of information is passed between our senses, our biology, our posture, our words, and our presence. Within those first few moments, a person can quickly deduce a lot of information, such as: do they like me, are they happy to see me, are we on good terms?  etc...

All of that information happens in a quick moment.  And in that moment, we can often determine whether or not we are loved and loving.

Love as a Science & Creator

In the age of scientific discovery, some have found that love can be biologically, chemically, and electrically measured.  There are so many studies on this, I will contain it to one.

Dr. Amen, a forerunner in brain analysis, is doing some groundbreaking work that scientifically proves the importance of love attachments towards healthy brain function. Dr. Amen actually scans the brain to discover whether or not a person has had a drug issue, trauma, depression, or other brain injuries.  A lack of love is considered to cause a brain injury!!

Check out his talk about love as a drug (substance): Dr. Amen Talks About Love or his book that talks about the impact of emotional trauma on the brain and relationships.

Love is also a creative force.  I believe that love is as real as carbon, hydrogen, amino acids or any other building block for creation--it is both tangible and measurable and it is also flexible in the unique ways that love combines us with people, places, memories, and experiences.  Love, as a substance is something that our brain translates (biological basis of love) and our heart absorbs.

Consequently, love is a fundamental building block that reflects both our scientific and creative origins and could be viewed as the tangible experience of our Creator.

"Eye Know It" 

So how do we communicate love?  Yes, there are the "5 Love Languages" that Dr. Gary Chapman talks about.  But more simply, love and acceptance are transferred from your eye to my eye, through eye contact (citation from "Thrive Recovery"). 

We can give and receive love as quickly as an electrical impulse passes from your eye to my eye, 6 times per second or so (ibid).  It can be that fast!  Love is simple, biological, spiritual, and emotional and is all wrapped up in a little packet of information that flies from my brain, through my eye, to your eye, and back through your brain.  If I have love in my heart, you will see it.  If you have love for me, I will see it.  Our brains will complete all of the other details.

Disclaimer: there are clearly more than one way we can receive the biology of love, which is why people who are blind can give and receive love.  I am simply keeping this topic simple and broad and so am focusing on eye-to-eye contact.

Oh, and I was just listening to another study that indicated that the electrical rhythms of the heart are strong enough to change our brain's patterns.  But again, the science around this is all new, so I will leave you to your own research.

Love & God

As a person who believes that God is love, this puts my faith into very simple and plain terms.  If there is love in my heart, you will SEE it.  Your eyes will receive it, your brain will interpret it, and depending on your internal health, your heart will feel it.

So lets be plain.  Either you will see that I love you or and I will see that you love me, or we won't.  But deep down, we will each KNOW the difference. That doesn't mean that our brain stops thinking once a signal is sent.  For example, some people see love, but turn it into passion whereas others see interpret love as codepency etc.  But again, this blog post is going to remain simple so I won't go into that right now.

Love as a Currency

It is interesting to note that my capacity for love will determine my ability to share love.  The more I have, the more I can give.  The less I have, the less I can give.  Thus, what I have, I share.  It is unlikely that I can give more love than I myself have experienced.

For example, let's use an illustration with money.  If I have 100 coins, I can share 100 coins.  If you want 200 coins, I either have to borrow from someone else or owe you a debt.  Either way, the difference has to come from somewhere (my pocket, your pocket, or someone else's pocket).

I believe that love is also a currency that we trade in.  If you want all of my love, you will expect me to have the capacity to meet your needs.  However, if I am deficient in love, then I either owe you more or need to rely on someone else to meet your need.  The benefit of faith, is that if we are each connected to God as our primary source of love, we have an eternal supply.  If we do not have the benefit of faith, then we must rely on the limited capacity around us to supply us with love.  Either way, the choice of currency is ours.

This is why love is not just about individuals: we are inter-dependent.  Just think of massive amounts of love-transactions that occur on earth every day.  If every person sees 1 person per day...that is...well...it is BILLIONS of transactions.  That is a massive exchange. 

If we withdraw and deposit love, it has to originate from somewhere or someone.  This, again, is why I believe that God is love.  Part of our created design is to receive love (debit) from God, and send it to someone else (credit).  They feed it back to us, and it returns to God.  This is the whole nature of "Royal Law": Love God and Love your neighbor as yourself. It is a give-give-give scenario.  With God in the equation, there is an endless supply and an abundance.  Without God, there is a serious lack.

Love creates love who feeds love back to the Creator.  It's a feedback loop!

Love can also be SIMPLE

Here is a simple statement: I will know you by your love.  Never mind your degrees, your philosophies, your doctrine, your accomplishments, your social status, your money, or your prestige, my brain and my eyes will know you by the love you communicate to me.

So let's practice!  The next time I see you or you see me, let's try this: let's intentionally think of love and make eye contact.  I agree, it might sound silly at first, but I am up for the risk.  Maybe just remind me first :)

Because I really am beginning to believe that love is simple (possibly rare), but altogether simple: LOVE JUST IS.  Either you we love or we don't.  I hope we do.  Because I need love, and I am fairly certain that you do too.

If we want to see anything change in this world, we must understand that love is a building block of our faith, our universe, and our basic identity.  It seems like a good time to practice!  Because love is more than an idea, it is an exchange and an experience of Being.

Beliefs, Communication, & Quality of Relational Experiences

"Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn."    — C.S. Lewis

I have learned many, recent lessons about beliefs, communication and their roles in the health of my relationships.  

From recent life experience, I have begun to see that communication is rooted in whether beliefs are accurately shared between people.  Those very beliefs will drive all communications that are both sent and received.  Those communications (and perceptions) have a massive ability to adapt or maladapt my experiences and relationships.

The relationships then build momentum (positive or negative) to reflect the messages being sent and received.  How necessary it is to ensure that I communicate a good message!

I have learned...by God, have I learned...

Let me review one of my own beliefs. I believe that God is real and He, as a real Being purposefully forgives me.  From that belief, I deduce that it is good and reasonable to practice a lifestyle of forgiveness, just as I have received consistent forgiveness.

That sounds good, but how do I really know if I am successful in living out my belief in forgiveness?  Simple, I can test it.

With accountability between myself, my peers, colleagues, and authorities, I can test my own beliefs by submitting to their feedback in regards to my actions.  

For instance, if I believe that I am forgiving then the evidence will be reflected back by my conscience, my peers, colleagues, and authorities.  I could even do a basic, sample poll of 10 people and ask each of them:

• Do you believe that I am forgiving?
• Have you seen an example of me offering forgiveness in the last 6 months?
• Have you seen me denying forgiveness in the past 6 months?

The results would give me a sample of whether or not my personal belief is or is not reflected in the reality that exists between people (community).

Granted--there are some statistical issues with my data collection, but it is a start!!

Let's go deeper and consider the connection between belief and believers...

Let's assume that communication is like a network "ping" between two people (similar to a ping between two computers).  If two people are functioning properly, then the ping accurately measures information back and forth. HOWEVER, if one or both of the people are not functioning properly, then the ping may reveal a problem.  It would then be time to do some problem solving and diagnostics to resolve the situation such as:

• A healthy chat over coffee
• A chat with mediation
• Personal Growth through counsel, ministries, books, prayer etc.
• Trust that God's Spirit can sovereignly guide you to a revelation of understanding that leads to change
• Some combination of all of the above

In reality, if I am functioning and send a healthy message of love and forgiveness to someone else who is healthy, then it is reasonable to hope that the message would be received as sent.  HOWEVER, if I sent a functioning message through an unreliable network to a dysfunctional person, then I can reasonably expect a faulty response.


**This assumes that the healthy message is from the sender.  There are plenty of examples of an unhealthy sender and a healthy recipient.  There are plenty of examples of an unhealthy message and messenger.  Etc. etc. etc.

Would it be possible to deduce that the accurate communication of my beliefs is highly dependent on the health of myself and of those I am in relationship with? 

Would it be possible to assume that Shared beliefs=Shared Likelihood of Communication Success?

It is now my opinion that whatever I believe, the relationships that I hold closest will have the biggest impact on the measurement of much of what I believe and do.

As such, it would be advantageous and wise to pursue good beliefs and to surround myself with others who have good beliefs.  That way, whatever true and good belief I have would become accurate, consistent, and REAL.

Because of all of this...

I have an increased desire to pursue what is true, right, and praiseworthy, with a high level of enthusiasm.  In the meantime, I can simply hope that anyone who shares my newfound enthusiasm would bolster and catapult me further in these endeavors.  In contrast, those who cannot or will not run with me, would be left in out or left behind.  These things have a way of working themselves out.

Today, it is imperative that I be willing and conscious enough to sow in kindness, forgiveness, understanding, and generosity, whenever possible, and without concern of anyone else’s ability or willingness to offer me the same.  If I stumble, then I trust that the same Good God that forgave me, is also able to redeem me.

All of this is only possible because of my belief that God is good, God is love, and I am loved.  I trust that God will understand what no man can.  I trust that God will correct me in the areas that I am blind to.  And fortunately, God is kind and just enough to bring me to wholeness and redemption, if I only surrender to His one-of-a-kind leadership.

I want to thank each person who has aggravated, abused, misunderstood, bullied, or frustrated me.  Your darkness helped me to develop a desire for health and light.  Thank you.  You were the wolf nipping at my heels and the fear that drove me close to the Shepherd and His flock (the healthy unity of believers).

Also, I want to thank each person who has shown me loving-kindness, forgiveness, patience, endurance, and forbearance.  You helped me to experience the light that I was otherwise blinded to.  Your health drew me to God's Light until he opened my eyes (it is interesting to note that my Eye Doctor confirmed that my physical eyes are also healing...coincidence?!?!).

For each contributor to my life's story, your choices are marked in the measures of my life and vice versa.  By proximity, our testimonies are now inter-twined, perhaps for eternity!  Maybe that is why we teach that we are "one" body: it is because we are so inter-connected.  May we live and reflect and measure with goodness, kindess, love, gentleness...


Lastly, I want to thank each person who showed me forgiveness whenever I was unhealthy or sent an unhealthy message.  Your forgiveness (and God's), releases me from the consequences of brokeness.  I believe that REDEMPTION is the evidence of forgiveness in action.

Now, I am blessed because I believe well...

I am also blessed because I receive.  The more goodness I receive, the more I am blessed.

I am also blessed because I am loved, am loving, and am grateful for all that I have and have lost.

I hope to believe what is true, believe what is right, and experience the goodness that WILL flow out in all of its measurements.  I also pray that I will experience increased goodness through increased "good" relationships.

I can anticipate that this journey of discovery is an ever-expanding, eternal path.  The good path appears narrow, and I suspect that “few will find it”.  That is why I am so grateful to have been found and to have found the path.

Thank you God and thank you one and all!  

Here's a [personally] applied version of The Message's Philippians 1:3-11

3-6Every time you cross my mind, I break out in thanks to God. Each exclamation is a trigger to prayer. I find myself praying for you with a glad heart. I am so pleased that you have continued on ... believing and proclaiming God's Message, from the day you heard it right up to the present. There has never been the slightest doubt in my mind that the God who started this great work in you would keep at it and bring it to a flourishing finish on the very day Christ Jesus appears.

 7-8It's not at all [just] fanciful for me to think this way about you. My prayers and hopes have deep roots in reality. You have, after all, stuck with me all the way from the time I was [misunderstood, neglected, or broken] and came out of it in one piece. All along you have experienced with me the most generous help from God. 

 9-11So this is my prayer: that your love will flourish and that you will not only love much but well. Learn to love appropriately. You need to use your head and test your feelings so that your love is sincere and intelligent, not sentimental gush. Live a lover's life, circumspect and exemplary, a life Jesus will be proud of: bountiful in [love, joy, peace, patience, goodness, kindness, gentleness, and self-control] from the soul, making Jesus Christ [available through you life] to all, getting everyone [connected] in the glory and praise of God.

Blog by E.D. Lewis