Pain versus Joy -- "The Hourglass of Recovery"

For those who regularly follow my blog and posts (500 readers per month at the moment), you know that I primarily write about two topics: Faith and Surviving Sexual Abuse.  For me, those topics are intertwined because when you deal with Sexual Abuse you will also be faced with the larger-than-life-questions.

Recently, I felt inspired to write a new post about the recovery process and recovery limits from sexual abuse.  This is a process very few people talk about publicly, and when it is discussed, it is discussed in vague terms.  For me, healing comes from personal connection, not from vague terms.  So I offer less vague and more personal connection!

I was inspired to write this post because of how many survivors whom I have recently talked to.  Many suffer deep rooted shame and rejection, even if people say they love them.  Listening to them and thinking of my own story, I then realized...hey...most people suffer through their recovery in shame and isolation.  That isn't right!  We need to pop the isolation bubble and let victims be honoured!!

So let's continue the dialogue.

The Ceiling of Recovery

Did you know that there is a ceiling to recovery?  I didn't.  But apparently, medical research shows that early life trauma can permanently disable confidence, stability etc.  According to certain researchers, there are limits to trauma recovery.

Recently, my Doctor told me that I have likely progressed as far as anyone can who has my serious history of abuse.  In other words, according to medicine, this is as good as it gets.  Both my counselors and my physician are actually quite proud of my recovery.  It would seem that I have been blessed with more healing than the 'norm'.  Thank GOD!

Fortunately for me, I know people who specialize in trauma.  They tell me, that where most people hit a ceiling, they have found the next step to recovery.  Again, thank GOD!  (relief and joy inserted here).

In other words, I still have a chance at a full life with joy and THRIVING.  

So now what?

Is that the end of my healing journey?  Absolutely not!  There are massive breakthroughs in faith, therapy, neuro-science, prayer and so on.  I get regular reports of healings that are seeing medical impossibilities become transformational possibilities.  My favourite stories are of survivors from war or abuse who have been miraculously healed from PTSD.  Woo!  Pass that good news around :)

My support network has had mixed reactions to this medical news.  Some were sad while others were empathetic and understood that medicine has its limits when coming to treat emotional trauma.  The faith community is by far the MOST supportive of my continued health recovery and improvement.  

Others expressed concern because they knew my intellectual and professional potential is not being utilized because of the deterioration caused by abuse and the memory recall process.  I understand their perspectives, because I have had to grieve all of those losses too. 

Fortunately, pain pathways are not my life's definition.  It is just a tremendous obstacle.  One day, it might even be a trophy!

I am blessed to now have a peace that comes from being in the present.  If this level of healing is all that is mine, I am grateful, even though I will seek more healing.  As long as I am on this Earth, I will be hungry for more goodness, peace, fullness, and wholeness.

Why talk about these things?

Abuse creates isolation; writing & speaking creates awareness and helps to build community.  It is my leading and intention to continue being an Advocate, Public Speaker, and Writer to bring about awareness of the recovery process from sexual abuse.  This is a work in progress.

Topic of Pain in Recovery

So let's talk about the bare bones truth.  Recovery is painful, sometimes excruciating.  At the basement of pain, is a true rock bottom.  It is a desolate place full of uncertainty and confusion.  You move to the left--there is pain; you move to the right--there is pain.  A true rock bottom is merciless.

At that place of reckoning, a person often has to decide if they have even enough energy or will to allow the idea that there is a possibility that there might be a hope to have the will to keep trying.  Even the will to get back up might seem more than possible.  

From the ashes we rise (photo, NOT the content, from HERE)

A rock bottom is sobering on all levels.  Old techniques for feeling good won't work (Behaviors, People, Events etc).  Everything can appear bleak--that is how you can tell it is a bottom.

The benefit of a true rock bottom is that you can only go up.  At the bottom of life's hourglass, you earn a new perspective.  You gain the opportunity to see the whole of your worldview as it is, rather than how you wish it was.  Then, a person can start to make decisions such as the choice to survive.  Thriving usually has to wait.

Take a look at the photo posted to the right.  These hands represent the ones who choose to get up again; it is the effort and the human will to survive, even when drowning.  In this photo, I see pain and suffering, but I also see the triumph of the overcoming nature of our spirit.  We want to survive.

To me, that picture would look a lot better with a helping hand coming down from above!  

Faith Required

Tattoo art by Gabriellexx (Original HERE)

It is through faith that a person gains true life again.  In any recovery program (hurts, habits etc), faith is part of the 12 steps.  You cannot heal without God.  Any person in healing knows that.

To the left, you can see an image of an hourglass with death on the bottom versus life on the top.  Notice the cross--a key symbol of faith.  Notice how you feel when you see the skull versus seeing the cross.  One symbol emphasizes death; whereas the other symbol (even though the cross was initially a symbol of death) is now a symbol of life.

When I was at my true rock-bottom, just like that skull in the drawing, I needed to choose if I was going to win or lose.  I remember having a vision of my world as darkness.  I saw God intervening and putting one little speck of light through that darkness a great distance away.  In that moment of vision, I resolved that as long as I had breathe in my lungs, I would take steps until I had approached that light and until that light consumed my vision.  That vision still motivates me today, 10 years later.  I choose life, light, and hope.

During the past 10 years, I've seen plenty of healings and miracles, including:  seeing addicts completely healed to sobriety in an instant of prayer (and some have testified to having been healed and sober for over 30 years), limbs growing to normal lengths, teeth transformed, hearts mended, hearing restored, surgical metal disappearing, and cancer cured.  In these things, I have become rich with faith, and richer in experience.

So what about my experience with darkness, despair, and the torments of abuse memories?  The answer is that those things were being worked out in direct contrast to the light and miracles I was seeing. Faith, was necessary for my healing.  It allowed me to see God, experience hope, and the courage to progress towards my redemption.

I am now firmly convinced that my personal and greatest miracle is the sense of relationship and healing that occurs in my heart when I connect to our Creator, through Jesus, and awaken again.  The symbol of the cross heals me, inspires me, and provides me with a path from death to life.  Some of my humanist and atheist friends think that my faith is ignorance.  But for me, faith has given me life and continues to give me what knowledge never could--LIFE!

How does one transition from pain to joy?

This question has been at the core of my personal and spiritual research for the past 10+ years.  I have been 'hungry' for joy and have searched high and low for the way, the means, and the method of a return to joy. 

What have I found?  I have discovered that joy is spiritual and physical.  We need spiritual joy through meaning and connection to our spiritual source; we also need physical joy through physical health, healthy relationships, a stable environment etc.

The key method for me, has been Immanuel prayer technique, taught in combination with "THRIVE Recovery".  Through the THRIVE recovery model, I am learning that joy is an actual substance within the brain.  Researchers have learned that joy is the key to recovering from pain.  THRIVE Recovery is a program that teaches:

When your life is more painful and out-of-control than you like, find the skills to bring you to peace and joy...Trauma weakens your brain’s control center...Strategic spiritual and mental training restarts your life....a state of the art training program that combines neuroscience (brain) research, relational community, Biblical principles and prayer dialogue with our Creator to develop us into healthy, mature, healed people who THRIVE! This is a program like no other, and it can't be compared to other systems! (THRIVE Recovery: http://www.thrivingrecovery.org/about.php)

Joy Trumps Pain

I have learned that it is through 'joy' that Jesus endured the cross.  So joy, according to the Gospels, is something that propels us past the worst tortures of pain and torment, isolation and suffering.  Joy trumps pain!

Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God. (Hebrews 12:2, ESV)

Jesus, was despised, rejected, and acquainted with grief (Isaiah 53:3). Yet, he spoke of abundant life, joy, peace, hope, and assurance.  He contained the paradox of both pain and joy, while offering his solution as our 'salvation'.  So yes, for me, Jesus' solution was necessary for the power to begin recovery.

My next statement will shock a few--but Jesus is not the entirety of healing.  Jesus sent the Comforter, but he also built a people who heal too.  We each need 'Jesus in flesh'--COMMUNITY.  I need people to teach me about love, joy, peace, and acceptance, to replace what was robbed from me through abuse, rejection, mockery, and betrayal.

It is somewhat like relational replacement.  What was robbed, must be restored at least 10 times.  For every abuser, I need a group of good people to replace that defilement.  

I cannot heal alone

I cannot, and will not be healed outside of a strong, loving, and nurturing community.

Simon & Garfunkel were famous for singing "I am a rock, I am island".  Today, when I hear that song all I can think is 'wow, talk about a strong case of denial'.  No one is an island.  Our pain isolates us, but we are never in actual or complete isolation.  Even an island is surrounded by an ocean that is teaming with life.  We are never alone.  We just need the skills, the resources, and the help to reconnect outside of the pain (which is the isolator).

Furthermore, because we were born in relationship and physically birthed out of an act of intimacy, we are incapable of being alone.  From unity we were conceived, and for unity we live.

So what is recovery?

I often hear it said that people recover from sexual abuse.  I still have not heard a clear definition of what recovery looks like.  So for now, I don't have an answer.  

Instead, I have a direction.  I direct myself towards an eternal identity, and take steps until my temporary experience catches up.  For example, if my eternal identity says that "I am more than a conqueror", and my temporary experience says that "I am defeated", then I simply take intentional steps from defeat to conquering.

I don't think that there is a certain point in the healing journey that says, "Congratulations, you are now recovered."  So for now, I take it step by step.  

The Hourglass of Recovery

"As sands in the hourglass, so are the days of our lives" (queue the soap opera music from "Days of Our Lives").

We rise, we fall, and we do it all over again.  I now see life more like a spiral than a straight line.  We progress, in a continuum, around each bend.  Some bends look just like the places we have been before, but because of time and space, we know that we can never be in the exact same place ever again.  Consequently, everything is cyclical

As long as I breathe, I can lose my breathe.  This is the vulnerability of being alive.  The goal is to be intentional and willing to do whatever it takes to catch one's breathe again, until breathe is gone from this life.

God is my goal, faith is my means, and loving community is my aide.  Together, with loving, safe, and secure community, I might, just might...THRIVE.



"Keep Your Love On!" by www.LovingOnPurpose.com:

A powerful person says, "I am going to be okay no matter what you do.  You can hurt me, but you cannot make me turn my love off.  I am relentlessly going to do what I have to do to protect my connection with you, no matter what."  When you can say and do this in the face of fear, mistakes and pain, you have already won the battle between fear and love. (Danny & Sheri Silk, 2013)

Hedonism, Humanism, Christianity - The Topics of Self, Pleasure, and Eternity

In a world of colour and dynamism, people still debate if there is such a thing as truth versus untruth; dark versus light; white versus black.

I say quite clearly, that YES there is a difference between light and dark, matter and anti-matter, humanism and spirituality, and YES the difference matters.  So let's look at the spectrum of religion based on the belief in self:

• Hedonism - self is to be pleasured
• Humanism - self is the means, the mode, and the end
• Christianity - self is selfishness and must be surrendered in order to experience the true pleasure that comes from eternal connection to God

Grey Defined (Link to Artist)

Grey is simply components of black and white.  Our belief system, much like this painting, are elements of truth and lies.  Muddled together, our belief system can be a confusing mess of do's and don'ts.  But what if our lines of truth or lies had eternal significance?  Wouldn't it be worth the investment to look a little closer at things and make some objective decisions?

The universe is divided into matter and anti-matter, so even on the macro scale, there is a truth about what is and what opposes what is.  As humans on Earth, we are the colourful result of matter, which is what our universe and our existence is made up of.  "[T]he observable universe is apparently composed almost entirely of matter" (Wikipedia).  We are complex, dynamic, and extraordinary beings.

Yet, no matter how complex we are or how complex the universe is, all things can be whittled down to the basic components of 'yes' and 'no', 'light' and 'dark', 'truth' or 'lie'.  I would suggest that who we are and what we believe is matter itself and that faith is an actual assurance; the "evidence of things unseen" (Hebrews 11:1, KJV).

There is a measurable truth to our existence.  Our ability to love, to serve, and to choose God, are all evidences that we can deal with the hard realities of black and white.  So let's dismantle the grey veil of uncertainty and address the topic of self.

Hedonism & Humanism - Modern Religion

The popular culture of today's philosophies/religions are leaning towards hedonism (pleasure seeking) and humanism (human glory).  Both Hedonism and Humanism have very clear intentions of marking their 'modern' truth as light and as right.  They define truth as self-fulfillment and one's own glory.

In a world where political correctness is the new gospel, self-awareness, self-entitlement, and indulging in pleasure are easy sells.  On the surface, Hedonism and Humanism seem fantastic.  Who doesn't like pleasure?  Who doesn't like to do good things for oneself?

But is selfishness truth?  Is self-fulfillment light?  I don't think so... I would argue that what Hedonism says is light, is actually what destroys light; what Humanism says is truth, I would venture to say causes people to lie. And here is why...

To be a Hedonist is to indulge oneself on wants to the detriment of something or someone else (just as indulging on sugar is a detriment to one's body).  To be a Humanist, is to believe that human gain is the end, the means, and the goal of everything no matter what it costs (just as gaining the perfect kernel of wheat comes at the cost of its genetic integrity).  

But pleasure, once satisfied, is no longer pleasurable.  Thus, pleasure is temporary and disposable.  Likewise, human glory is short lived because humans die.  So where is the hope in that?  Where is the life-giving-upon-life-giving system within Hedonism or Humanism?  I have not seen it.  Instead, I see pleasure as the pathway to compromise, and human glory as the road to envy.  

What is true and light, must bear life.  Does pleasure seeking and human gratification often come with bearing life?  Not usually...

Hedonism & Humanism - Spiritual Consumerism?!?

Consumerism has us hungry for anything that is quick, low-cost, and easy to acquire.  We want stuff, we want a lot of stuff, and we want it now.  We want it, no matter what the consequence is.  That is what consumerism is.

Do most shoppers care that a $5 shirt was made with child labour?  Not if it saves them $20.  Do most families care that their wheat has been modified with so many chromosomes that the human body doesn't recognize it anymore?  Not if that wheat lowers the cost of bread. These are just some of the consequences that occur when consumerism compromises integrity for the sake of obtaining something cheaper or easier. 

It is arguable that Hedonism and Humanism are the consumers of the spiritual world.  They say, "give me what I want so I feel good, no matter what the cost" or "give me a belief that doesn't require a cost, so that I feel comfortable".  

Hedonism and Humanism are like the genetically modified organisms (GMO's) on the shelf of our world's spiritual mega-markets.  They are quick, easy, and accessible, but altogether dangerous because they compromise the integrity of the human spirit.

How can Hedonism be light if its goal is selfish?  How can Humanism be right if its end goal is human gain?  I don't see the truth nor the light in compromise and selfishness.

After all, pleasures change, humans die, and there is still a Universe and an eternity of consequence to follow.  Our choices today, create and matter tomorrow!

Christianity as Selflessness - What about Pleasure?

Christians and Hedonists/Humanists are on opposite ends of the spectrum.  Christians believe that to be human is to err and to become a Christian is to give up one's selfishness.  It is really that simple.

Does that means Christians give up all pleasure?  In some ways yes, in some ways no.  Christians are called to be pure, blameless etc.  But there is such a thing as a pure-pleasure.  In fact, some Christians experience God's goodness, love, and joy to such extents that they are called "Ecstatics": people who experience fits of delights or pleasure (Dictionary.com).

So yes, Christians have and practice pleasure, it is just that Christians believe in untainted and self-less pleasures rather than polluted or selfish pleasures.

Spiritual Banking

Anyone who tells you that there isn't a cost and a gain associated with an eternal choice is lying.  

Jesus made it clear--you either choose him or you don't (John 14:6).  Either way, we live with Him in Paradise or without Him in the absence of anything good (Hell).  To choose Jesus is to reject Humanism; to choose Humanism is to reject Jesus.  There is always a clear choice of spiritual debit and credit.  It is black or white (how very unpopular of me to say so).

In Christianity, Jesus is the ultimate account holder for souls.  He is the only point of entry to eternity because he made the debit to gain eternal access (cost) so that we could have the credit (gain).  To 'bank on Jesus' as our eternal gatekeeper to heaven is to put all of our spiritual investment in Him.  This is what is means to refer to Jesus as your "Saviour"--he holds they key to saving you from yourself and saving you for eternity.

Is such a faith venture a 'high risk investment'?  Yes.  Your entire eternity is riding on it.  You are 'all in'.  Jesus is the only name given to us to be saved (Acts 4:12), so he is also your only ticket to eternal life.  

Eternal banking has a cost.  The buy-in is your soul and the payout is immortality.  We make the choice how to bank, where to place our faith, either actively or by default.  We are either for ourselves (humanist) or for God (selflessness), but we can't be both.

"Choose this day, whom you will serve" -- Joshua