PAIN: Reality vs Fantasy (1 Year from Disclosure)

Picture from KoffeeKlub

As young children, many of us liked stories of war or conquest--not because of the gruesome realities of the violence, betrayal, and evil--but because of the many stories about triumph, honour, unlikely heroes and victories.  We like happy endings, no matter what horror or challenges led up to the happy ending.  In fact, sometimes we like the happy endings more, once we know that the story was gruesome but the ending was spectacular.  

It seems to me that glamour and success are relative to the contrast created by victory.  In other words, we are results oriented; when we can define a journey through its result(s), we will increase or decrease the role of suffering based on the amount of success experienced when reviewing the result.

Photo from:
http://westafricanprincess.wordpress.com/2012/07/

If you have been through a war or a major trauma, you have already learned that the result will not diminish the costs that it took to achieve the result (ex. victory in war versus the losses sustained during the war).  In reality, pain and success are like a two headed monster: they work together, and are quite inseparable.

HOW DOES PAIN APPLY TO RECOVERY?

Recently, I had a conversation with someone about the process of recovery from sexual abuse.  It occurred to me, despite my public writing and public speaking, that I still do an 'avoidance dance' by not fully revealing how difficult recovery can actually be.  In truth, recovery can be a vomit-inducing, sweat-producing, tear-staining process (sometimes literally and sometimes figuratively speaking).

Photo from FaithFriend: LINK

Why would I avoid telling the whole & awful truth about the recovery process?  Because some people don't want to hear the unfiltered truth; instead, some have expressed a desire for the filtered story only.  They want to know that I 'made it', not the stark and daily realities of the healing process.  They just want to hear, "I am OK".

But what they want isn't reality; what they want is the result.  They just want to know that everything worked out and the pain has stopped.  But the reality of recovery is that it is about "Progress, Not Perfection" (slogan from many Recovery programs).  In other words, pain is non-negotiable most of the time.

There are some scars from sexual abuse that may never go away.  In reality a person can learn to forgive, but he/she is also likely to never forget (excluding persons with high abilities to disassociate or go into denial--the ones who can 'unplug').

Instead, there is a hard road of counselling, redefining relationships, sometimes even a change in career or city, other times it may require personal losses, shame, uncertainty, fear, humiliation and so on.  Recovery can involve a loss upon loss, line upon line.

DO WE PREFER FANTASY?

We are a culture that feeds on entertainment, success stories, faith healings, and sometimes even fantasy.   Just think of how many people you know that spend their lives in denial or in pursuing the holy grail simply because dealing with their own issues would be too messy and too painful?  For some, it is easier to stay in denial or in fantasy, rather than walk the difficult road that is currently their path.

I am not against hope and I like miracles.  In fact, I have personally witnessed and tested out supernatural phenomena and miracles.  Nevertheless, I have come to the conclusion that 'until' a miracle or breakthrough is experienced, there is simply a lot of hard work and pain.  Such brazen reality is truly "OK" because suffering can yield good results (if the pain is for healing, not because of continued abuse).

All fairy tales have their 'other side' called reality.
Photo courtesy of: click HERE 

So we have a choice: face the pain and own the process OR deny the pain and avoid the outcome (and avoidance usually brings bad results).

Even if we wish for God to "take this cup from me" (Mark 14:36), suffering might be inevitable.  Fortunately, for those with faith, we know that God can bring good out of any mess.  We also know that perseverance builds character (Romans 5:3-5).  As the saying goes, "smooth seas do not make skillful sailors".

A few famous quotes about suffering and hope:

• "In this world you will have trouble, but take heart [Jesus] has overcome the world" (John 16:33, NIV)
• "Life is Suffering" (One of Four Buddhist "Noble Truths")
• '[l]ife's a piece of sh*t when you look at it--always look on the bright side of life' (Monty Python)
• "God had one son on earth without sin, but never one without suffering." (St Augustine)

GIVE ME SOME HOPE!!!

There is something within the human spirit that will fight to survive.  We know that pain is not the whole story and nothing but the story.  There is redemption, possibilities, hope, resurrection, new beginnings and so on.  We have this powerful urge to survive--no matter what.   Perhaps that is why suicide is such a sadness to so many--it is against our primal nature to live.

We all like the success stories.  I like to hear about how the prince gets the princess, how the pauper becomes wealthy, how the loser becomes the cool one.  I like success.  I like hearing about success.  I like knowing people who have succeeded.  These successes are part of the hope of living.  

WE WANT RESULTS!!!  AND WE NEED HOPE!  I encourage everyone I know to go through stories of hope; to connect with people who have hope; and to be in a community that teaches hope.  Get connected to a source of hope!

SO WHAT ABOUT THE LONG PROCESS?

"It is the crushed grape that makes the wine" (Anonymous).  Being crushed, step by step, yields a result; some would call this 'the refining process'.  No matter what the instrument of growth is, wanted or unwanted, right or wrong, once we are flattened out, we can still become something greater than before: I can become the "ME" that I always knew I was intended to "BE".

It was one year ago that I went public with my story: May (2012).  It has been a whirlwind journey since then.  I am grateful for a loving and supporting community including some friends, some family and even some strangers (please note, not all are supportive as some cannot or will not even face this with me).

Since 2012's disclosure, we have each been challenged, some have been pressed by ideologies, crushed by pain, raised up in faith, loved and yet others have been distanced.  Nevertheless, I can see the growth (not only my own growth, but the growth that family members have gone through alongside of me).  We are being refined by unwanted truths.

Abuse tells you that 'it is your fault'; silence also tells you that 'it is your fault'; but truth, love, and acceptance will tell you 'it was never your fault and I will be present with you in your sufferings (I will not hide or run, but I will STAY WITH YOU)'.  I was simply thrown into a cycle that I never wanted to be in.  Now it is my turn and my move.  The power is back in my corner.  And I choose to live!  I desire to thrive!  And I will purpose myself accordingly.  

This little grape doesn't go down without churning out some FINE WINE!!  (I smile as I type that last line).

BRAIN-MIND-SPIRIT SCIENCE

(By Dr. Karl Lehman, "Outsmarting Yourself").  Link to his work: CLICK HERE.

When we encounter pain, our brain-mind-spirit system always tries to process the painful experience. There is a very deliberate pathway that this pain processing attempt will follow, and there are specific processing tasks that we must complete as we travel along this pathway, such as staying emotionally connected, navigating the situation in a satisfying way, and correctly interpreting the meaning of the experience. When we are able to successfully complete this processing journey, we get through the painful experience without being traumatized – we emotionally and cognitively “metabolize” the experience in a healthy way, and instead of having any toxic power in our lives, the adequately processed painful experience contributes to our knowledge, skills, empathy, wisdom, and maturity. That is, when we successfully process a painful experience we don’t just stuff it down into our unconscious, or teach ourselves to think about other things. We actually get through it, stronger and wiser.

Unfortunately, various problems and/or limitations can block successful processing; and when we are not able to complete the processing journey, then the painful experience becomes a traumatic experience and the memories for these traumatic experiences carry unresolved toxic content. When traumatic memories are activated, the toxic content they carry comes forward and powerfully affects our perceptions, thoughts, beliefs, emotions, abilities, and choices.  (Excerpt from "Outsmarting Yourself" by Dr. Karl Lehman)

Love - "Eye Know It"

The thing about being in another country, within another culture, is that I can quickly see that love is more than an idea, it is an exchange and an experience.  When love is present, everything seems to work.  When love is absent, hidden or repressed; everything seems to contort into pain, discomfort, or even insecurity.  But how do I know if I am loved?

Good question.  I don't have an immediate or scientific analysis for how I know if I am loved.  I guess that I simply "know" it.  Let's think about it further and let's get specific.

The last time you met someone at work or church or at home, as people, we immediately greet or avoid each other.  A flurry of information is passed between our senses, our biology, our posture, our words, and our presence. Within those first few moments, a person can quickly deduce a lot of information, such as: do they like me, are they happy to see me, are we on good terms?  etc...

All of that information happens in a quick moment.  And in that moment, we can often determine whether or not we are loved and loving.

Love as a Science & Creator

In the age of scientific discovery, some have found that love can be biologically, chemically, and electrically measured.  There are so many studies on this, I will contain it to one.

Dr. Amen, a forerunner in brain analysis, is doing some groundbreaking work that scientifically proves the importance of love attachments towards healthy brain function. Dr. Amen actually scans the brain to discover whether or not a person has had a drug issue, trauma, depression, or other brain injuries.  A lack of love is considered to cause a brain injury!!

Check out his talk about love as a drug (substance): Dr. Amen Talks About Love or his book that talks about the impact of emotional trauma on the brain and relationships.

Love is also a creative force.  I believe that love is as real as carbon, hydrogen, amino acids or any other building block for creation--it is both tangible and measurable and it is also flexible in the unique ways that love combines us with people, places, memories, and experiences.  Love, as a substance is something that our brain translates (biological basis of love) and our heart absorbs.

Consequently, love is a fundamental building block that reflects both our scientific and creative origins and could be viewed as the tangible experience of our Creator.

"Eye Know It" 

So how do we communicate love?  Yes, there are the "5 Love Languages" that Dr. Gary Chapman talks about.  But more simply, love and acceptance are transferred from your eye to my eye, through eye contact (citation from "Thrive Recovery"). 

We can give and receive love as quickly as an electrical impulse passes from your eye to my eye, 6 times per second or so (ibid).  It can be that fast!  Love is simple, biological, spiritual, and emotional and is all wrapped up in a little packet of information that flies from my brain, through my eye, to your eye, and back through your brain.  If I have love in my heart, you will see it.  If you have love for me, I will see it.  Our brains will complete all of the other details.

Disclaimer: there are clearly more than one way we can receive the biology of love, which is why people who are blind can give and receive love.  I am simply keeping this topic simple and broad and so am focusing on eye-to-eye contact.

Oh, and I was just listening to another study that indicated that the electrical rhythms of the heart are strong enough to change our brain's patterns.  But again, the science around this is all new, so I will leave you to your own research.

Love & God

As a person who believes that God is love, this puts my faith into very simple and plain terms.  If there is love in my heart, you will SEE it.  Your eyes will receive it, your brain will interpret it, and depending on your internal health, your heart will feel it.

So lets be plain.  Either you will see that I love you or and I will see that you love me, or we won't.  But deep down, we will each KNOW the difference. That doesn't mean that our brain stops thinking once a signal is sent.  For example, some people see love, but turn it into passion whereas others see interpret love as codepency etc.  But again, this blog post is going to remain simple so I won't go into that right now.

Love as a Currency

It is interesting to note that my capacity for love will determine my ability to share love.  The more I have, the more I can give.  The less I have, the less I can give.  Thus, what I have, I share.  It is unlikely that I can give more love than I myself have experienced.

For example, let's use an illustration with money.  If I have 100 coins, I can share 100 coins.  If you want 200 coins, I either have to borrow from someone else or owe you a debt.  Either way, the difference has to come from somewhere (my pocket, your pocket, or someone else's pocket).

I believe that love is also a currency that we trade in.  If you want all of my love, you will expect me to have the capacity to meet your needs.  However, if I am deficient in love, then I either owe you more or need to rely on someone else to meet your need.  The benefit of faith, is that if we are each connected to God as our primary source of love, we have an eternal supply.  If we do not have the benefit of faith, then we must rely on the limited capacity around us to supply us with love.  Either way, the choice of currency is ours.

This is why love is not just about individuals: we are inter-dependent.  Just think of massive amounts of love-transactions that occur on earth every day.  If every person sees 1 person per day...that is...well...it is BILLIONS of transactions.  That is a massive exchange. 

If we withdraw and deposit love, it has to originate from somewhere or someone.  This, again, is why I believe that God is love.  Part of our created design is to receive love (debit) from God, and send it to someone else (credit).  They feed it back to us, and it returns to God.  This is the whole nature of "Royal Law": Love God and Love your neighbor as yourself. It is a give-give-give scenario.  With God in the equation, there is an endless supply and an abundance.  Without God, there is a serious lack.

Love creates love who feeds love back to the Creator.  It's a feedback loop!

Love can also be SIMPLE

Here is a simple statement: I will know you by your love.  Never mind your degrees, your philosophies, your doctrine, your accomplishments, your social status, your money, or your prestige, my brain and my eyes will know you by the love you communicate to me.

So let's practice!  The next time I see you or you see me, let's try this: let's intentionally think of love and make eye contact.  I agree, it might sound silly at first, but I am up for the risk.  Maybe just remind me first :)

Because I really am beginning to believe that love is simple (possibly rare), but altogether simple: LOVE JUST IS.  Either you we love or we don't.  I hope we do.  Because I need love, and I am fairly certain that you do too.

If we want to see anything change in this world, we must understand that love is a building block of our faith, our universe, and our basic identity.  It seems like a good time to practice!  Because love is more than an idea, it is an exchange and an experience of Being.