Recently, I was invited out to a social event of 20 & 30 somethings. I attended this event full of enthusiasm to see some old friends and to potentially make some new ones. Initially, it was hugs, laughs, and good times.
But something new was also happening:
THE 20-SOMETHINGS AVOIDED EYE CONTACT
As each new 20-something walked in, to my dismay, they completely avoided eye contact with me and others in the room. When they walked in, their eyes were cast down and to the outside of the room. When they did enter the main conversation, they sat down, made side-conversation between themselves, and otherwise kept separated from eye contact or socially engaging conversation.
What happened to their basic greeting skills?
Should I be hurt? Offended?
Would it offend them if I tried to greet them again?
In all my years of travel, and years of working with different cultural and age groups, I have NEVER seen such social disengagement like this before. This was a new experience, and I was highly concerned.
Staying Present With Each Other
When I was a Canadian youngster, there were strict codes on listening and respecting people in authority. In class, we had to pay attention, keep our heads up, and listen actively. In church, we had to sit properly, take notes, and recall what was discussed. We were trained in the art of active listening, relaying information, and staying connected with the speaker. These communication skills have made me very effective in business, in coaching, and in friendship.
Today, at church, people lounge in reclining chairs with their coffee or tea as they flip through their iPhones and iBible's. There is no requirement for a call-answer, nor is there an expectation that the audience is an active part of the service like there once was. The speaker is left to 'prove' themselves by engaging with an audience who isn't necessarily inclined to be engaged to begin with. That sounds like an uphill battle!
This new communication challenge is not limited to churches. Recently, I attended an event meeting for volunteers. As the coordinator was reviewing emergency protocols, I looked around and began counting how many people were distracted by playing games on their iPad's or smart phones instead of listening to vital information. I wondered how much information was actually getting through to people. I am not sure anyone really knows the answer.
Please note: I am not opposed to relaxed environments, not opposed to beverages in meetings, and am not opposed to gaming nor smart phones. In fact, I am quite familiar and active with all of those things. What I am becoming concerned with is the ability for a group of people to agree to listen and to stay present with each other through healthy eye contact and non-verbal participation. Such things are key to showing respect.
Emotional Maturity
Since attending that recent event (mentioned at the start of this blog), I have begun to wonder if our 20-somethings are capable of emotional maturity in a public setting. Are these young adults able to hear others? Do they understand that respect requires participation? Are they engaged or even capable of proper social relations and interconnections? It is not as if these are uneducated people--they are post-secondary educated professionals, who have been raised in a high quality school system.
Do we have a generation of emotionally stunted adults? If true, the social ramification could be catastrophic. Our future rests on the youth of today; if they cannot listen, cannot stay present with each other, what will that future look like? I shudder at such a sobering thought.
“Emotional adjustability is one of the very important elements of social maturity... Social maturity is the process of appropriate attitudes for personal, interpersonal and social adequacies of an individual which are essential for functioning effectively in the society.” (A.S. Arul Lawrence and Rev. Dr. I. Jesudoss, 2011) Quote from their academic journal: CLICK HERE.
Stay With Me
Many hearts will cry, "Can you stay with me, even a little while?" Eye contact is a great way to silently convey to a person that you are there with them; being present with someone is a great comfort. Eye contact is also a cornerstone to non-verbal communication:
"A much overlooked facet which contributes greatly towards a good conversation is the use of eye contact....To break it down:
- Eye contact opens and closes communication
- Increased eye contact is associated with credibility and dominance
- Lack of contact and blinking are interpreted as submissive
- High status people are looked at, and look more while talking than listening
(The Importance of Eye Contact, http://conversationaid.com/the-importance-of-eye-contact-part-one)
- Stares = hostility, threat, sexual – may proceed attack
So when someone avoids eye contact, we begin to ask ourselves why. Is the other person afraid? Are they embarrassed? Are they dangerous? What are they hiding?
When eye contact is broken, a conversation is pulled away from the subject-at-hand, and is reduced to the primal reactions of fear (flight) or aggression (fight). Such instincts are biologically normal. We are designed to read and measure eye contact to understand where we stand and how to relate to each other.
Technology--The New Eyes
If eye contact matters so much, what is becoming of it?
Have you recently overhead a conversation between school aged kids? If so, you have probably witnessed entire groups of people texting, often in lieu of talking. I have seen, and even participated, in conversations with people through text, even though they are sitting within 5 feet of me.
Even when I go to the grocery store, I observe whether or not a cashier is comfortable making eye contact. You might be surprised...
Culture is changing!
It is my opinion, that texting and smart phones are being used as a safer set of eyes that connect us in lieu of our own raw eye-to-eye contact. Technology buffers us from the world and from revealing our vulnerabilities.
People engage with each other, through a veil of technology. Instead of eye-to-eye contact and facial gestures, we have emoticons, html, and pictures. Through technology, we are able to mask our fears and insecurities by projecting an image that we feel is more acceptable than our own.
In small doses, technology is no different than any other form-altering medium such as cosmetics or fashion--the slight tweak of our appearance to convey a stronger or healthier image. Smart phone communication is the 'photoshopping' of our verbal world.
My recent experience at this event suggested to me, that if unchecked, there are much greater consequences to technology based communications as the main form of communication. Namely, it is possible that the basic skills of conversation, listening, tracking, empathy and compassion could be lost to quick texts and emails.
If eye to eye communication is lost or even hindered, there WILL be far-reaching implications in our society. The human brain is hardwired to send and receive electrical impulses through eye contact, which feeds and builds our brain. If we lose eye-to-eye contact, we could face other developmental consequences.
Eye contact is normal. Eye contact is natural. Eye contact is healthy. Infants instinctually have a strong desire to gaze into others’ eyes. Yet, why is it that so many adults with fairly good interpersonal communication skills have long since “unlearned” this fundamental and indispensable nonverbal behavior?
In the science of nonverbal communication, the most crucial portion of the body is the face. And the most important part of the face are the eyes- the eyelids, the eyebrows and the regions around the eyes.
Since the eyes are the only part of your central nervous system that make contact with the outside of your body – the old adage of “The eyes are the windows to the soul” has basis in medical fact. The practice and study of eye contact is just one aspect of the immense nonverbal value of this most precious and mysterious organ. Ignore it at your own risk.
(Dr. G Jack Brown, "The Language Lab", 2012)
"Stay with me" is something every person will seek. Eye contact IS connection!
Take a Look
Pay attention to your next conversations. How many people can make and maintain healthy eye contact? How many times do they defer to their phones?
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ReplyDeleteAs a person on the autism spectrum, who finds making eye contact difficult in some situations,which has affected my life in many ways I am really worried by the idea that young people are loosing a skill which they should be able to do, but because of technology being, as it were sewn to thier hands and eyes, they do not value the person next to them, especially as I do value people but have difficulty in showing this
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