Today, I read a news article about a young girl who was allegedly raped, mocked, bullied, and then in her own desperation, she killed herself.
This was not a crime in a war zone; this was a crime in a land known for peace and healing. This young girl was Canadian.
"The trauma of the rape and ongoing bullying caused depression and suicidal thoughts" (Huffington Post). Her family assured Rehteah that rape wasn't her fault, but their consoling could not remove the sting of the social humiliation that Rehtaeh faced after-the-fact.
Bullying isolates its victims until he/she retreats internally into a prison that is difficult to break free from. In this case, rape was the crime, bullying was the sentence, and shame was the prison guard. She couldn't break free; and in despair she tried to die.
"Sexual abuse is no respecter of persons, nationality, religion, gender, age, or boundaries. It is the dark weapon that can destroy any human spirit."
(Elizabeth Lewis @elizabethsinbox)
UPDATE (April 26, 2013) : There is growing public awareness but also scrutiny into Rehteah's story. I am not surprised. However, the remainder of this blog is not influenced by Rehteah or her story. The rest of this blog is quite personal and stands on its own merits. I am here to "bloggersize" and share information. Read on...
Empathy Pains
As a survivor of rape, I am having empathy pains for Rehteah and her story.
I am now in my 30's and am still doing "clean up" from the emotional, relational, psychological, spiritual, and health damages that were caused by sexual violence since my earliest years. I have personally felt the pains of being misunderstood, unprotected, and at times, even mocked, belittled or ignored. I even remember the dark realization that no police officer could help me because the "law" required more than personal testimony. Also, to go to court would mean having the emotional strength to testify--something very few survivors have.
From my teens to twenties, I had very little support for my recovery, partly because I was muffled by denial, fear, unbearable realities, and silence. It was in the silence and isolation that several different abusers were able to infiltrate my life. I became a repeated victim, not just by sexual violence, but also by the culture of silence that prohibited my story from being heard. Abusers rely on the power given to them by enablers and naysayers. It sometimes seemed that the abusers were more protected than me, the abused.
Furthermore, as many survivors of sexual abuse will tell you, it can get worse. Once abused, we can enter into a series of abusive relationships; each relationship only shatters the broken soul more, leading to depression, anxiety, confusion, angst, and even despair. I can testify that to this day, I can only recall one positive dating relationship. Sadly, it ended. He was the one man that I trusted, but when I called him months later, asking for help after a sexual assault, he said nothing. It was at that moment, that I realized, I was not valuable enough for anyone to fight for.
My memories were repressed, I bit my lip, and carried on. Like the Brits say "Stay Calm, Carry On". And that is what I did, one bad relationship after another.
To this day, I am still learning to feel safe, loved, and valuable. Now, my training allows me to differentiate between abuse-based thoughts (lies) and healing-based thoughts (truths). I am progressing, healing, and being recreated.
Sadly, when I read Rehteah's story, I could see evidence that she had not yet received the help she needed to get her past the crippling shame and despair phase. Her life ended too soon. But even if she had survived, who knows what kind of situations she would have subjected herself to, without some inner healing?
The reality is that survivors of rape and sexual harm, have a propensity to make decisions that can harm themselves all over again.
Rape doesn't just violate a person's body--it steals dignity, self-worth, the ability to trust, and healthy boundaries. What begins as the rape of the body, inevitably leads to the desecration of the soul, and the destruction of the human spirit. That is why rape is so evil--it can literally destroy a person on all levels of spirit, soul, and body.
Some survivors become addicts, others become workaholics, depressed, physically or mentally ill, abusive, or permanent victim, and so on. Survivors are thrust into the cycle of violence, denial, and negative coping, until they can consciously or supernaturally break free.
In fact, some of the biggest critics of recovery can even be other rape survivors themselves. I have met some survivors who make it their sub-conscious mandate to belittle or diminish other people's stories of abuse so that they can maintain their control or negative coping skills. It is almost as if a survivor's need for denial can be projected onto controlling other victims to maintain their silence.
So how did I break free?
Fortunately I met caring Christians and professionals who have been generously walking the healing journey with me. A special thanks today goes to Dave Bamford of "Positive Changes Now Counselling". I can now say that I am recovering and see the possibilities of thriving. The nightmares have finally stopped and other progress is now evident. Nevertheless, recovery will continue one step at a time, unless a major miracle occurs.
Advocacy & Public Speaking
I am now an Advocate and Public Speaker for inner healing, surviving, and hopefully THRIVING! I've been asked to speak in several countries already, with a book in the works.
In the meantime, I continue to relearn how to live, write, communicate, love, trust, and have meaning. I am honoured to serve and to love those who are not yet able to love themselves--I am referring to the survivors of sexual harm and the used and abused.
I endeavor to continue developing the skills to support survivors, encourage them, and inspire them.
Canadian Reality Check
In Canada, at least 20% of our adult population admits to having been sexually harmed, and 17% by the time they are 18. Most believe the numbers of victims are SUBSTANTIALLY higher than that. I have heard numbers as high as 1/3 women have been sexually harmed and 1/4 men. These numbers reveal a pandemic of sexual harm in our nation of Canada.
The problem of rape sits on three-strongholds:
- Culture of Silence - Silence allows shame to grow exponentially. Victims can despair in silence and shame.
- Victim Isolation - Rape harms the victim, but it also robs the victim's entire relational network of its innocence. If a victim is treated on an individual bases, sometimes they heal alone, which can further isolate the survivor. Most survivors need the help of their friends, family, church, and community in order to feel safe, loved, accepted, and re-integrated into the community's strength. It takes a community to raise a child, but it also takes a community to heal its most vulnerable.
- Myth of Justice - Is there truly a justice for rape? Not particularly. In some cases, there is legal action, financial reparations; but are these things truly justice for what was lost in rape? The only justice I have found so far is in my faith, with forgiveness, and the hope of a better life. But I had to concede the justice was not mine to earn or gain in this lifetime (that would be futile), but something hoped for by my eternal God. If someone balks at this, I would gladly ask them what other justice there is?
The Healing Process?!?
Healing from sexual harm requires an initial plan of therapy, but it will also require an ongoing support system as new reactions will pop up throughout a survivor's entire life. It can be a long and painful road to recovery. We all look for the quick-fixes, but until then, there is just hard work and accurate therapy with a support system of love.
What can you do to help?
Ignorance and silence allows rape to win. One of the best ways to deal with sexual violence is to stop protecting the ignorance and silence surrounding sexual violence and listen to the stories. Let people grieve. Get educated. We need Public Awareness to shine on every abuse, to chase the darkness and isolation away.
Abusers thrive in secrecy, so let's remove their power to abuse again--reveal the truth!
If you are an abuser--get help, ASAP! Please turn yourself in, seek a therapist, and GET HELP!!! Stop the crimes before it happens again.
Also, if you are financially able, consider donating to a local Sexual Abuse Hotline or Help Centre such as CASA: DONATE TODAY.
Letting Victims Speak...
