5 Things Never to Say to a Sexual Abuse Survivor

This is a short blog, inspired by things people regularly say to Sexual Abuse Survivors that are simply unhelpful and sometimes utterly harmful.

Things to never say to a Sexual Abuse Survivor:

1. Wasn't that a long time ago? 
2. Can't you just move on?  I mean, why aren't you over it yet?
3. There was this one person in WWII who was able to forgive… (then they pause long enough for the survivor to realize that their wounds are being measured against someone else's, even though the two stories have no direct connection and pain cannot be compared)…
4. I was raped and I got over it (glad to hear it, but that is completely irrelevant to someone else's story).
5. In the Bible we are told to forgive and forget (actually, forgiveness is a method of healing the survivor…but we are not able nor capable of forgetting without dissociating).

Things you can say to a Sexual Abuse Survivor:

1. I am here.
2. I am listening.
3. What would be helpful for you right now?
4. I don't know how to respond, but I am willing to learn.  I'm going to get some information so I can better understand how to be a good friend in this.
5. I am so glad that you could tell me.

TRIGGER WARNING: The image in this poster can potentially cause an emotional trigger.  

Photo Courtesy of: LINK

Technology - Our New Veiled Eyes?

Recently, I was invited out to a social event of 20 & 30 somethings.  I attended this event full of enthusiasm to see some old friends and to potentially make some new ones.  Initially, it was hugs, laughs, and good times.

But something new was also happening:

THE 20-SOMETHINGS AVOIDED EYE CONTACT

As each new 20-something walked in, to my dismay, they completely avoided eye contact with me and others in the room.  When they walked in, their eyes were cast down and to the outside of the room.  When they did enter the main conversation, they sat down, made side-conversation between themselves, and otherwise kept separated from eye contact or socially engaging conversation.

What happened to their basic greeting skills?

Should I be hurt?  Offended?

Would it offend them if I tried to greet them again?

In all my years of travel, and years of working with different cultural and age groups, I have NEVER seen such social disengagement like this before.  This was a new experience, and I was highly concerned.

Staying Present With Each Other

When I was a Canadian youngster, there were strict codes on listening and respecting people in authority.  In class, we had to pay attention, keep our heads up, and listen actively.  In church, we had to sit properly, take notes, and recall what was discussed.  We were trained in the art of active listening, relaying information, and staying connected with the speaker.  These communication skills have made me very effective in business, in coaching, and in friendship.

Today, at church, people lounge in reclining chairs with their coffee or tea as they flip through their iPhones and iBible's.    There is no requirement for a call-answer, nor is there an expectation that the audience is an active part of the service like there once was.  The speaker is left to 'prove' themselves by engaging with an audience who isn't necessarily inclined to be engaged to begin with.  That sounds like an uphill battle!

This new communication challenge is not limited to churches.  Recently, I attended an event meeting for volunteers.  As the coordinator was reviewing emergency protocols, I looked around and began counting how many people were distracted by playing games on their iPad's or smart phones instead of listening to vital information.  I wondered how much information was actually getting through to people.  I am not sure anyone really knows the answer.

Please note: I am not opposed to relaxed environments, not opposed to beverages in meetings, and am not opposed to gaming nor smart phones.  In fact, I am quite familiar and active with all of those things.  What I am becoming concerned with is the ability for a group of people to agree to listen and to stay present with each other through healthy eye contact and non-verbal participation.  Such things are key to showing respect.

Emotional Maturity

Since attending that recent event (mentioned at the start of this blog), I have begun to wonder if our 20-somethings are capable of emotional maturity in a public setting.  Are these young adults able to hear others?  Do they understand that respect requires participation?  Are they engaged or even capable of proper social relations and interconnections?  It is not as if these are uneducated people--they are post-secondary educated professionals, who have been raised in a high quality school system.

Do we have a generation of emotionally stunted adults?  If true, the social ramification could be catastrophic.  Our future rests on the youth of today; if they cannot listen, cannot stay present with each other, what will that future look like?  I shudder at such a sobering thought.

“Emotional adjustability is one of the very important elements of social maturity... Social maturity is the process of appropriate attitudes for personal, interpersonal and social adequacies of an individual which are essential for functioning effectively in the society.” (A.S. Arul Lawrence and Rev. Dr. I. Jesudoss, 2011) Quote from their academic journal: CLICK HERE.

Stay With Me

Many hearts will cry, "Can you stay with me, even a little while?"  Eye contact is a great way to silently convey to a person that you are there with them; being present with someone is a great comfort.  Eye contact is also a cornerstone to non-verbal communication:

"A much overlooked facet which contributes greatly towards a good conversation is the use of eye contact....To break it down: 

• Eye contact opens and closes communication

• Increased eye contact is associated with credibility and dominance

• Lack of contact and blinking are interpreted as submissive

• High status people are looked at, and look more while talking than listening

• Stares = hostility, threat, sexual – may proceed attack

 (The Importance of Eye Contact, http://conversationaid.com/the-importance-of-eye-contact-part-one)

So when someone avoids eye contact, we begin to ask ourselves why.  Is the other person afraid?  Are they embarrassed?  Are they dangerous?  What are they hiding?

When eye contact is broken, a conversation is pulled away from the subject-at-hand, and is reduced to the primal reactions of fear (flight) or aggression (fight).  Such instincts are biologically normal.   We are designed to read and measure eye contact to understand where we stand and how to relate to each other.

Technology--The New Eyes

If eye contact matters so much, what is becoming of it?

Have you recently overhead a conversation between school aged kids?  If so, you have probably witnessed entire groups of people texting, often in lieu of talking.  I have seen, and even participated, in conversations with people through text, even though they are sitting within 5 feet of me.  

Even when I go to the grocery store, I observe whether or not a cashier is comfortable making eye contact.  You might be surprised...

Culture is changing!

It is my opinion, that texting and smart phones are being used as a safer set of eyes that connect us in lieu of our own raw eye-to-eye contact.  Technology buffers us from the world and from revealing our vulnerabilities.

People engage with each other, through a veil of technology.  Instead of eye-to-eye contact and facial gestures, we have emoticons, html, and pictures.  Through technology, we are able to mask our fears and insecurities by projecting an image that we feel is more acceptable than our own.

In small doses, technology is no different than any other form-altering medium such as cosmetics or fashion--the slight tweak of our appearance to convey a stronger or healthier image.  Smart phone communication is the 'photoshopping' of our verbal world.

My recent experience at this event suggested to me, that if unchecked, there are much greater consequences to technology based communications as the main form of communication.  Namely, it is possible that the basic skills of conversation, listening, tracking, empathy and compassion could be lost to quick texts and emails.

If eye to eye communication is lost or even hindered, there WILL be far-reaching implications in our society.  The human brain is hardwired to send and receive electrical impulses through eye contact, which feeds and builds our brain.  If we lose eye-to-eye contact, we could face other developmental consequences.

Eye contact is normal. Eye contact is natural. Eye contact is healthy. Infants instinctually have a strong desire to gaze into others’ eyes. Yet, why is it that so many adults with fairly good interpersonal communication skills have long since “unlearned” this fundamental and indispensable nonverbal behavior?

In the science of nonverbal communication, the most crucial portion of the body is the face. And the most important part of the face are the eyes- the eyelids, the eyebrows and the regions around the eyes.

Since the eyes are the only part of your central nervous system that make contact with the outside of your body – the old adage of “The eyes are the windows to the soul” has basis in medical fact. The practice and study of eye contact is just one aspect of the immense nonverbal value of this most precious and mysterious organ. Ignore it at your own risk. 

(Dr. G Jack Brown, "The Language Lab", 2012)

"Stay with me" is something every person will seek.  Eye contact IS connection!

Take a Look

Pay attention to your next conversations.  How many people can make and maintain healthy eye contact?  How many times do they defer to their phones?

Just look with your eyes and see who is looking with their eyes too.

You might be surprised to find out how uncommon you two are,

even in a crowd full of 'friends'.

Love - "Eye Know It"

The thing about being in another country, within another culture, is that I can quickly see that love is more than an idea, it is an exchange and an experience.  When love is present, everything seems to work.  When love is absent, hidden or repressed; everything seems to contort into pain, discomfort, or even insecurity.  But how do I know if I am loved?

Good question.  I don't have an immediate or scientific analysis for how I know if I am loved.  I guess that I simply "know" it.  Let's think about it further and let's get specific.

The last time you met someone at work or church or at home, as people, we immediately greet or avoid each other.  A flurry of information is passed between our senses, our biology, our posture, our words, and our presence. Within those first few moments, a person can quickly deduce a lot of information, such as: do they like me, are they happy to see me, are we on good terms?  etc...

All of that information happens in a quick moment.  And in that moment, we can often determine whether or not we are loved and loving.

Love as a Science & Creator

In the age of scientific discovery, some have found that love can be biologically, chemically, and electrically measured.  There are so many studies on this, I will contain it to one.

Dr. Amen, a forerunner in brain analysis, is doing some groundbreaking work that scientifically proves the importance of love attachments towards healthy brain function. Dr. Amen actually scans the brain to discover whether or not a person has had a drug issue, trauma, depression, or other brain injuries.  A lack of love is considered to cause a brain injury!!

Check out his talk about love as a drug (substance): Dr. Amen Talks About Love or his book that talks about the impact of emotional trauma on the brain and relationships.

Love is also a creative force.  I believe that love is as real as carbon, hydrogen, amino acids or any other building block for creation--it is both tangible and measurable and it is also flexible in the unique ways that love combines us with people, places, memories, and experiences.  Love, as a substance is something that our brain translates (biological basis of love) and our heart absorbs.

Consequently, love is a fundamental building block that reflects both our scientific and creative origins and could be viewed as the tangible experience of our Creator.

"Eye Know It" 

So how do we communicate love?  Yes, there are the "5 Love Languages" that Dr. Gary Chapman talks about.  But more simply, love and acceptance are transferred from your eye to my eye, through eye contact (citation from "Thrive Recovery"). 

We can give and receive love as quickly as an electrical impulse passes from your eye to my eye, 6 times per second or so (ibid).  It can be that fast!  Love is simple, biological, spiritual, and emotional and is all wrapped up in a little packet of information that flies from my brain, through my eye, to your eye, and back through your brain.  If I have love in my heart, you will see it.  If you have love for me, I will see it.  Our brains will complete all of the other details.

Disclaimer: there are clearly more than one way we can receive the biology of love, which is why people who are blind can give and receive love.  I am simply keeping this topic simple and broad and so am focusing on eye-to-eye contact.

Oh, and I was just listening to another study that indicated that the electrical rhythms of the heart are strong enough to change our brain's patterns.  But again, the science around this is all new, so I will leave you to your own research.

Love & God

As a person who believes that God is love, this puts my faith into very simple and plain terms.  If there is love in my heart, you will SEE it.  Your eyes will receive it, your brain will interpret it, and depending on your internal health, your heart will feel it.

So lets be plain.  Either you will see that I love you or and I will see that you love me, or we won't.  But deep down, we will each KNOW the difference. That doesn't mean that our brain stops thinking once a signal is sent.  For example, some people see love, but turn it into passion whereas others see interpret love as codepency etc.  But again, this blog post is going to remain simple so I won't go into that right now.

Love as a Currency

It is interesting to note that my capacity for love will determine my ability to share love.  The more I have, the more I can give.  The less I have, the less I can give.  Thus, what I have, I share.  It is unlikely that I can give more love than I myself have experienced.

For example, let's use an illustration with money.  If I have 100 coins, I can share 100 coins.  If you want 200 coins, I either have to borrow from someone else or owe you a debt.  Either way, the difference has to come from somewhere (my pocket, your pocket, or someone else's pocket).

I believe that love is also a currency that we trade in.  If you want all of my love, you will expect me to have the capacity to meet your needs.  However, if I am deficient in love, then I either owe you more or need to rely on someone else to meet your need.  The benefit of faith, is that if we are each connected to God as our primary source of love, we have an eternal supply.  If we do not have the benefit of faith, then we must rely on the limited capacity around us to supply us with love.  Either way, the choice of currency is ours.

This is why love is not just about individuals: we are inter-dependent.  Just think of massive amounts of love-transactions that occur on earth every day.  If every person sees 1 person per day...that is...well...it is BILLIONS of transactions.  That is a massive exchange. 

If we withdraw and deposit love, it has to originate from somewhere or someone.  This, again, is why I believe that God is love.  Part of our created design is to receive love (debit) from God, and send it to someone else (credit).  They feed it back to us, and it returns to God.  This is the whole nature of "Royal Law": Love God and Love your neighbor as yourself. It is a give-give-give scenario.  With God in the equation, there is an endless supply and an abundance.  Without God, there is a serious lack.

Love creates love who feeds love back to the Creator.  It's a feedback loop!

Love can also be SIMPLE

Here is a simple statement: I will know you by your love.  Never mind your degrees, your philosophies, your doctrine, your accomplishments, your social status, your money, or your prestige, my brain and my eyes will know you by the love you communicate to me.

So let's practice!  The next time I see you or you see me, let's try this: let's intentionally think of love and make eye contact.  I agree, it might sound silly at first, but I am up for the risk.  Maybe just remind me first :)

Because I really am beginning to believe that love is simple (possibly rare), but altogether simple: LOVE JUST IS.  Either you we love or we don't.  I hope we do.  Because I need love, and I am fairly certain that you do too.

If we want to see anything change in this world, we must understand that love is a building block of our faith, our universe, and our basic identity.  It seems like a good time to practice!  Because love is more than an idea, it is an exchange and an experience of Being.