Technology - Our New Veiled Eyes?

Recently, I was invited out to a social event of 20 & 30 somethings.  I attended this event full of enthusiasm to see some old friends and to potentially make some new ones.  Initially, it was hugs, laughs, and good times.

But something new was also happening:

THE 20-SOMETHINGS AVOIDED EYE CONTACT

As each new 20-something walked in, to my dismay, they completely avoided eye contact with me and others in the room.  When they walked in, their eyes were cast down and to the outside of the room.  When they did enter the main conversation, they sat down, made side-conversation between themselves, and otherwise kept separated from eye contact or socially engaging conversation.

What happened to their basic greeting skills?

Should I be hurt?  Offended?

Would it offend them if I tried to greet them again?

In all my years of travel, and years of working with different cultural and age groups, I have NEVER seen such social disengagement like this before.  This was a new experience, and I was highly concerned.

Staying Present With Each Other

When I was a Canadian youngster, there were strict codes on listening and respecting people in authority.  In class, we had to pay attention, keep our heads up, and listen actively.  In church, we had to sit properly, take notes, and recall what was discussed.  We were trained in the art of active listening, relaying information, and staying connected with the speaker.  These communication skills have made me very effective in business, in coaching, and in friendship.

Today, at church, people lounge in reclining chairs with their coffee or tea as they flip through their iPhones and iBible's.    There is no requirement for a call-answer, nor is there an expectation that the audience is an active part of the service like there once was.  The speaker is left to 'prove' themselves by engaging with an audience who isn't necessarily inclined to be engaged to begin with.  That sounds like an uphill battle!

This new communication challenge is not limited to churches.  Recently, I attended an event meeting for volunteers.  As the coordinator was reviewing emergency protocols, I looked around and began counting how many people were distracted by playing games on their iPad's or smart phones instead of listening to vital information.  I wondered how much information was actually getting through to people.  I am not sure anyone really knows the answer.

Please note: I am not opposed to relaxed environments, not opposed to beverages in meetings, and am not opposed to gaming nor smart phones.  In fact, I am quite familiar and active with all of those things.  What I am becoming concerned with is the ability for a group of people to agree to listen and to stay present with each other through healthy eye contact and non-verbal participation.  Such things are key to showing respect.

Emotional Maturity

Since attending that recent event (mentioned at the start of this blog), I have begun to wonder if our 20-somethings are capable of emotional maturity in a public setting.  Are these young adults able to hear others?  Do they understand that respect requires participation?  Are they engaged or even capable of proper social relations and interconnections?  It is not as if these are uneducated people--they are post-secondary educated professionals, who have been raised in a high quality school system.

Do we have a generation of emotionally stunted adults?  If true, the social ramification could be catastrophic.  Our future rests on the youth of today; if they cannot listen, cannot stay present with each other, what will that future look like?  I shudder at such a sobering thought.

“Emotional adjustability is one of the very important elements of social maturity... Social maturity is the process of appropriate attitudes for personal, interpersonal and social adequacies of an individual which are essential for functioning effectively in the society.” (A.S. Arul Lawrence and Rev. Dr. I. Jesudoss, 2011) Quote from their academic journal: CLICK HERE.

Stay With Me

Many hearts will cry, "Can you stay with me, even a little while?"  Eye contact is a great way to silently convey to a person that you are there with them; being present with someone is a great comfort.  Eye contact is also a cornerstone to non-verbal communication:

"A much overlooked facet which contributes greatly towards a good conversation is the use of eye contact....To break it down: 

• Eye contact opens and closes communication

• Increased eye contact is associated with credibility and dominance

• Lack of contact and blinking are interpreted as submissive

• High status people are looked at, and look more while talking than listening

• Stares = hostility, threat, sexual – may proceed attack

 (The Importance of Eye Contact, http://conversationaid.com/the-importance-of-eye-contact-part-one)

So when someone avoids eye contact, we begin to ask ourselves why.  Is the other person afraid?  Are they embarrassed?  Are they dangerous?  What are they hiding?

When eye contact is broken, a conversation is pulled away from the subject-at-hand, and is reduced to the primal reactions of fear (flight) or aggression (fight).  Such instincts are biologically normal.   We are designed to read and measure eye contact to understand where we stand and how to relate to each other.

Technology--The New Eyes

If eye contact matters so much, what is becoming of it?

Have you recently overhead a conversation between school aged kids?  If so, you have probably witnessed entire groups of people texting, often in lieu of talking.  I have seen, and even participated, in conversations with people through text, even though they are sitting within 5 feet of me.  

Even when I go to the grocery store, I observe whether or not a cashier is comfortable making eye contact.  You might be surprised...

Culture is changing!

It is my opinion, that texting and smart phones are being used as a safer set of eyes that connect us in lieu of our own raw eye-to-eye contact.  Technology buffers us from the world and from revealing our vulnerabilities.

People engage with each other, through a veil of technology.  Instead of eye-to-eye contact and facial gestures, we have emoticons, html, and pictures.  Through technology, we are able to mask our fears and insecurities by projecting an image that we feel is more acceptable than our own.

In small doses, technology is no different than any other form-altering medium such as cosmetics or fashion--the slight tweak of our appearance to convey a stronger or healthier image.  Smart phone communication is the 'photoshopping' of our verbal world.

My recent experience at this event suggested to me, that if unchecked, there are much greater consequences to technology based communications as the main form of communication.  Namely, it is possible that the basic skills of conversation, listening, tracking, empathy and compassion could be lost to quick texts and emails.

If eye to eye communication is lost or even hindered, there WILL be far-reaching implications in our society.  The human brain is hardwired to send and receive electrical impulses through eye contact, which feeds and builds our brain.  If we lose eye-to-eye contact, we could face other developmental consequences.

Eye contact is normal. Eye contact is natural. Eye contact is healthy. Infants instinctually have a strong desire to gaze into others’ eyes. Yet, why is it that so many adults with fairly good interpersonal communication skills have long since “unlearned” this fundamental and indispensable nonverbal behavior?

In the science of nonverbal communication, the most crucial portion of the body is the face. And the most important part of the face are the eyes- the eyelids, the eyebrows and the regions around the eyes.

Since the eyes are the only part of your central nervous system that make contact with the outside of your body – the old adage of “The eyes are the windows to the soul” has basis in medical fact. The practice and study of eye contact is just one aspect of the immense nonverbal value of this most precious and mysterious organ. Ignore it at your own risk. 

(Dr. G Jack Brown, "The Language Lab", 2012)

"Stay with me" is something every person will seek.  Eye contact IS connection!

Take a Look

Pay attention to your next conversations.  How many people can make and maintain healthy eye contact?  How many times do they defer to their phones?

Just look with your eyes and see who is looking with their eyes too.

You might be surprised to find out how uncommon you two are,

even in a crowd full of 'friends'.

Hedonism, Humanism, Christianity - The Topics of Self, Pleasure, and Eternity

In a world of colour and dynamism, people still debate if there is such a thing as truth versus untruth; dark versus light; white versus black.

I say quite clearly, that YES there is a difference between light and dark, matter and anti-matter, humanism and spirituality, and YES the difference matters.  So let's look at the spectrum of religion based on the belief in self:

• Hedonism - self is to be pleasured
• Humanism - self is the means, the mode, and the end
• Christianity - self is selfishness and must be surrendered in order to experience the true pleasure that comes from eternal connection to God

Grey Defined (Link to Artist)

Grey is simply components of black and white.  Our belief system, much like this painting, are elements of truth and lies.  Muddled together, our belief system can be a confusing mess of do's and don'ts.  But what if our lines of truth or lies had eternal significance?  Wouldn't it be worth the investment to look a little closer at things and make some objective decisions?

The universe is divided into matter and anti-matter, so even on the macro scale, there is a truth about what is and what opposes what is.  As humans on Earth, we are the colourful result of matter, which is what our universe and our existence is made up of.  "[T]he observable universe is apparently composed almost entirely of matter" (Wikipedia).  We are complex, dynamic, and extraordinary beings.

Yet, no matter how complex we are or how complex the universe is, all things can be whittled down to the basic components of 'yes' and 'no', 'light' and 'dark', 'truth' or 'lie'.  I would suggest that who we are and what we believe is matter itself and that faith is an actual assurance; the "evidence of things unseen" (Hebrews 11:1, KJV).

There is a measurable truth to our existence.  Our ability to love, to serve, and to choose God, are all evidences that we can deal with the hard realities of black and white.  So let's dismantle the grey veil of uncertainty and address the topic of self.

Hedonism & Humanism - Modern Religion

The popular culture of today's philosophies/religions are leaning towards hedonism (pleasure seeking) and humanism (human glory).  Both Hedonism and Humanism have very clear intentions of marking their 'modern' truth as light and as right.  They define truth as self-fulfillment and one's own glory.

In a world where political correctness is the new gospel, self-awareness, self-entitlement, and indulging in pleasure are easy sells.  On the surface, Hedonism and Humanism seem fantastic.  Who doesn't like pleasure?  Who doesn't like to do good things for oneself?

But is selfishness truth?  Is self-fulfillment light?  I don't think so... I would argue that what Hedonism says is light, is actually what destroys light; what Humanism says is truth, I would venture to say causes people to lie. And here is why...

To be a Hedonist is to indulge oneself on wants to the detriment of something or someone else (just as indulging on sugar is a detriment to one's body).  To be a Humanist, is to believe that human gain is the end, the means, and the goal of everything no matter what it costs (just as gaining the perfect kernel of wheat comes at the cost of its genetic integrity).  

But pleasure, once satisfied, is no longer pleasurable.  Thus, pleasure is temporary and disposable.  Likewise, human glory is short lived because humans die.  So where is the hope in that?  Where is the life-giving-upon-life-giving system within Hedonism or Humanism?  I have not seen it.  Instead, I see pleasure as the pathway to compromise, and human glory as the road to envy.  

What is true and light, must bear life.  Does pleasure seeking and human gratification often come with bearing life?  Not usually...

Hedonism & Humanism - Spiritual Consumerism?!?

Consumerism has us hungry for anything that is quick, low-cost, and easy to acquire.  We want stuff, we want a lot of stuff, and we want it now.  We want it, no matter what the consequence is.  That is what consumerism is.

Do most shoppers care that a $5 shirt was made with child labour?  Not if it saves them $20.  Do most families care that their wheat has been modified with so many chromosomes that the human body doesn't recognize it anymore?  Not if that wheat lowers the cost of bread. These are just some of the consequences that occur when consumerism compromises integrity for the sake of obtaining something cheaper or easier. 

It is arguable that Hedonism and Humanism are the consumers of the spiritual world.  They say, "give me what I want so I feel good, no matter what the cost" or "give me a belief that doesn't require a cost, so that I feel comfortable".  

Hedonism and Humanism are like the genetically modified organisms (GMO's) on the shelf of our world's spiritual mega-markets.  They are quick, easy, and accessible, but altogether dangerous because they compromise the integrity of the human spirit.

How can Hedonism be light if its goal is selfish?  How can Humanism be right if its end goal is human gain?  I don't see the truth nor the light in compromise and selfishness.

After all, pleasures change, humans die, and there is still a Universe and an eternity of consequence to follow.  Our choices today, create and matter tomorrow!

Christianity as Selflessness - What about Pleasure?

Christians and Hedonists/Humanists are on opposite ends of the spectrum.  Christians believe that to be human is to err and to become a Christian is to give up one's selfishness.  It is really that simple.

Does that means Christians give up all pleasure?  In some ways yes, in some ways no.  Christians are called to be pure, blameless etc.  But there is such a thing as a pure-pleasure.  In fact, some Christians experience God's goodness, love, and joy to such extents that they are called "Ecstatics": people who experience fits of delights or pleasure (Dictionary.com).

So yes, Christians have and practice pleasure, it is just that Christians believe in untainted and self-less pleasures rather than polluted or selfish pleasures.

Spiritual Banking

Anyone who tells you that there isn't a cost and a gain associated with an eternal choice is lying.  

Jesus made it clear--you either choose him or you don't (John 14:6).  Either way, we live with Him in Paradise or without Him in the absence of anything good (Hell).  To choose Jesus is to reject Humanism; to choose Humanism is to reject Jesus.  There is always a clear choice of spiritual debit and credit.  It is black or white (how very unpopular of me to say so).

In Christianity, Jesus is the ultimate account holder for souls.  He is the only point of entry to eternity because he made the debit to gain eternal access (cost) so that we could have the credit (gain).  To 'bank on Jesus' as our eternal gatekeeper to heaven is to put all of our spiritual investment in Him.  This is what is means to refer to Jesus as your "Saviour"--he holds they key to saving you from yourself and saving you for eternity.

Is such a faith venture a 'high risk investment'?  Yes.  Your entire eternity is riding on it.  You are 'all in'.  Jesus is the only name given to us to be saved (Acts 4:12), so he is also your only ticket to eternal life.  

Eternal banking has a cost.  The buy-in is your soul and the payout is immortality.  We make the choice how to bank, where to place our faith, either actively or by default.  We are either for ourselves (humanist) or for God (selflessness), but we can't be both.

"Choose this day, whom you will serve" -- Joshua

Trauma Triggers & Plumbing

Anyone who has survived trauma knows that the recovery process is dynamic, not linear.  As moments lead to hours and hours lead to days and days to weeks and weeks to months and months to years and years to decades, trauma recovery will weave its own story.  It is a healing journey (unless an awesome miracle is experienced).

Survivors know that there are depths that trauma, trauma recall, and triggers can plunge you into, at unexpected intervals with varying degrees of flux and intensity.  Triggers are not always predictable, nor do they necessarily impede daily functioning.  Sometimes triggers are explicit, other times they are implicit.  Trauma reminders are like bumps and blips and barricades that a survivor learns to integrate into one's life and process, just like any other impairment.

A life of healing is like walking in a world full of hurdles to the point that hurdles are normal.  As such, survivors of trauma have frequent choices to make: do I sit down and cry, do I jump over this hurdle, do I ignore it, or do I master it?  How will I run my race?

REMEMBER: We have choices about how to handle the hurdles; we do not have choices about what the hurdles are or how often we are reminded of them.  Being victimized is not your fault, but you still need to live and then live to thrive.

This blog is about some of the basic triggers people with trauma face: small, medium, and large triggers.  I will use some plumbing analogies so that we each have a similar frame of reference.

DISCLAIMER: This blog is neither clinical nor legal nor professional.  I am not a licensed therapist and am not responsible for you.  I am simply speaking from my own experience.  You are responsible for your own actions, thoughts, opinions etc.

Let's talk about triggers with the help of analogies taken from basic plumbing...

LEAKY-FAUCET TRIGGERS:

Sometimes a trauma trigger can be a slow drip, like a leaky faucet.  As a trauma survivor, you are aware of the drip; you can sense it and feel it, you know where it is dripping from, but it might not be enough to immediately tend to.  Instead, the steady "drip...drip......drip...drip....." is incorporated into your daily rhythm.  At times, it chafes your psyche, at other times, it becomes a rhythm that one can drum a tune to.  Either way, the drip is there!  It is a subtle reminder that an experience is still tied to the present.  It is what it is.

Sometimes a drip is a specific memory (explicit) or a sensory recall, such as the reminder of a sound or a smell or a song or a place.  Recently, I was visiting someone in a hospital, and being there, I could remember so many previous memories, long ago.  Every time I visited at the hospital, it was a drip...drip....

Other times, a drip can be a vague sense of unease, something that is tied to an implicit memory.  These are harder to pinpoint because it is a qualitative experience, not a quantitative one.  It is a moment of "knowing a feeling, not knowing the source".  These drips spill out onto the countertop of our daily lives and leave a bit more of an unsightly mess.  Sometimes, people feel "ruffled" or "unsettled" on days with an implicit memory drip.  It is as if a disturbance is rippling through their day.  These drips are dangerous when left unattended, because they can easily grow into something much bigger.

It is in these times, that it is imperative to take a moment of quiet, and focus on joy. Joy builds up strength that I can then use as a reserve of positive energy that counter-balances the unease that can slowly accumulate through a steady drip of implicit feelings.  Take a personal time out, and feel the sun on your face, breathe the fresh air.   Just breathe.  "This too shall pass..."

BACK-UP-AND-GET-THE-PLUNGER TRIGGERS:

Then there are the days when a trauma trigger is like a toilet backing up.  These stinky messes are often inconvenient and involve a burst of backlogged mess that one erringly thought were already dealt with and flushed out of the system.  But, how wrong can one person be?  Clearly, one was wrong because the issues are gurgling to the surface in an unpleasant and unwanted manner.   And frankly, the memories and emotions STINK!

I can think of many examples when this has occurred.  It could be a warm, summer day and suddenly, an implicit memory or implicit feeling surfaces, and I can feel downright horrible (like indigestion).  Sometimes the back-up appears simply as a general blah.  Other times, it is more acute, with feelings of loneliness, isolation, or disapproval.

Don't discount the age-old HALT principle: check to see if you are Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired.  If so, deal with the simple matters first.  Then, when you have a moment, sit and rest in a safe or silent place (for some, this is the bathroom).  This is a great time to use some breathing techniques and allow oneself to get centred again.  Focus on knowing where God is, and connect with Him.  This is key!

Being quiet and still can often be enough to restore myself from an experience with implicit memory back-up.  At other times, a bit more maintenance work is required, such as: debriefing, counsel, exercise, journaling, or another form of processing and moving larger amounts of stored up energy (kinetic).

CALL-IN-THE-PROFESSIONALS-THIS-THING-IS-LEAKING-EVERYWHERE TRIGGERS:

No matter how long a person has been on their healing journey, there can still be major triggers and major leaks.  It is at those times, when it appears that all of your best efforts are futile and that water is leaking EVERYWHERE.  It is times like this, when calling in some skilled help is the best idea.  These major triggers, in my experience, can occur when something else major occurs such as a family illness, health issue, change in housing, career challenges, relationship drama etc.

Most people who have experienced trauma have already been building a system of support through friends, family, counsellors, prayer teams etc.  When your emotions or implicit memories are pouring forward, reach out and call someone.  An outside person can bring perspective and relief that is much needed; they are an anchor point that you can refer to in order to find your bearings, make a plan, and carry forward.

A good listener is key!  This is someone who can empathize and empower you; not someone who is distracted, codependent, or highly judgemental.  Choose your support system wisely.  There are not many things more egregious than going through a trauma with a shoddy support system or with people who simply add their crap to your crap.  You need people who have integrity, joy, and resources.  You also need people who are not in crisis themselves.  Two drowning people are not likely to stay afloat together.

I've learned many lessons when choosing my own support system.  Here is a quick list of characteristics of people that I have found unhelpful versus helpful:

UNHELPFUL: People who gossip, mock, belittle, or are highly insecure themselves.  If you hear someone who is gossiping about their family or friends, you have a pretty good indication that they will do the same thing with you.  BACK AWAY!!  You need someone who will stay "safe" for you by keeping your confidence.  Also, please be aware of whether or not your support people are secure or insecure (generally).  If you have an insecure-support-person, they cannot provide any consistent presence and this, implicitly, can be both unhelpful and potentially harmful to you.  If you are recovering from trauma or are in a crisis, you need people who are both loving AND secure.  This is for your wellbeing.

HELPFUL: People who are secure, calm, and loving.  If you hear someone say, "I don't know how to respond but I am willing to find a way"...then you are in a good spot.  A helpful listener is someone who listens, but doesn't carry it themselves.  They know how to release things to God.  That way, they stay healthy enough to be an available listener to you over the long haul (and trauma usually heals over the looooong haul).  If the listener cannot release what they hear, it is possible that your crap will stick, and then you will have two people who will need help.  So, remember to find and to value a good listener.  Express your appreciation to them.

LIVING THE HEALING JOURNEY

I haven't met anyone who has experienced significant trauma who is "all healed".  In fact, what I see are survivors who learn to thrive.  They are simply people who have applied wisdom, truth, and healing (primarily through Jesus), to learn how to process drips, leaks, and blowouts.

So manage your expectations.  Allow yourself a lifetime of healing, discovering hope, gaining joy and so on.  Life is an adventure, see where it will take you.

Start today, and build your support system and healthy living techniques before a problem ever starts.  Ask yourself:

- Do you have enough "know how" to identify a drip?
- Do you have enough skills built to deal with a leak?
- Do you have the proper support system to assist in reorienting you, in the event a major catastrophe occurs?

If not, start building the proper structure today.  If Nehemiah didn't rebuild Jerusalem in a day (a city devastated by destruction), then why would you expect to be rebuilt in a day?  I still believe in miracles, but until a miracle happens, there is the slow reparative work that comes with making a plan, getting assistance, and rebuilding your walls brick-by-brick.

Do you need help making a plan?

Send me a note through Facebook, and I can connect you to various resources in Edmonton or Calgary.  Alternately, you can talk to your local pastor or counselling centre and ask for more info.

www.Facebook.com/Elizabeths.Inbox

If everyone is willing to heal, then our community will be rebuilt...

It should be: Jesus+Love+Dominion+Inventiveness = Good

I have been contemplating the results of human invention when it comes to overcoming the ancient strongholds of: power, fear, anxiety, greed, healing, diverting, etc.  Such creative techniques are seen in a variety of capacities:

• Power: Nelson Mandela, Lester B. Pearson
• Fear, Anxiety etc: Ellel Ministries, Neil C. Anderson, 12 Step Program etc
• Greed: Generosity Initiatives (ONE campaign, World Vision etc)
• Healing: Heidi Baker, Smith Wigglesworth etc
• Diverting: Roman Aqueducts, Solar & Wind Power etc

Here are some popular culture Icons that change trends:

• Supernanny - practical measures to overcoming impractical behavior in children.  She brings order and love to houses that are otherwise in chaos.
• Dog Whisperer - understanding animal and human instinct so as to over come maladaptive instinct and behaviour.
• Apple - developing a product line that fundamentally diverts human activities of ALL kinds into a Linux based world, thus escaping the "mire" of a PC-based world.

This is what impresses me about the pop-culture icons: they are willing to apply themselves to good dominion because good dominion is rooted in wisdom.  As Proverbs 1:20 says, "wisdom calls aloud in the streets".  Anyone can listen and anyone can apply what they hear.


This is what I am more interested in: the rapid movements, based in the move of God's spirit, rooted FIRMLY in love, and moving across every boundary for the saving and restoration of all people.  If you have 30 minutes, here is an interesting video on Revival: Revival Hymn.  

IMPLICATION: Wisdom is good, but is incomplete without the full manifestation of it (Jesus).  My hope is that Christians will awaken to hear wisdom, and then, with the understanding of who Jesus was/is, apply wisdom in a Christ-like manor.  The results should be a dominion that builds up and leads all people to understanding God as good.

The question and measures become:

• is wisdom+Christianity=visible?
• is wisdom+Christianity=dominion?
• is wisdom+Christianity=good?
• is wisdom+Christianity=available?
• is wisdom+Christianity=love?

In either case, if a Christian can raise the dead, heal the sick, and invent, but doesn't have love, it is NOTHING (1 Corinthians 13).

So now what?

Well, I want to find the people in the world who fit this formula: Jesus+Love+Dominion+Inventiveness = Good.

I am beginning to source people and groups of people who meet the criteria listed.  In the discovery of those people, God’s “church” could then become a living representative of the living, creating, and restorative nature of God himself.

Here are some living examples of Christians who I've found who have dominion that brings life, restoration, healing:

• California: www.iBethel.org
• Mozambique: www.irismin.org
• Edmonton (Canada): www.citycentrechurch.com 

Here are some historical Christian Inventors and Inventions that are also life transforming and positive:

• Music: Johnny Cash - Unique sound, with a unique story (taught many to be real with emotion and how to overcome addiction etc)
• Mathematics: Isaac Newton (1642-1727) - theory of gravity, optics etc
• Astronomy: Nicholaus Copernicus - Heliocentric universe
• Literature: John Bunyan, C.S. Lewis, J.R.R. Tolkien
• Historical Women: Pocahontas, Joan of Arc, Queen Elizabeth, Queen Victoria

"Jesus+Love+Dominion+Inventiveness = Good"

Your comments are welcomed and wanted!!

Blog by E.D. Lewis