3 Dreams, 3 Realities, 3 Status Updates - The life of a 30+ year old, Christian Woman

Today a friend asked me, "What happened to your blog Elizabeth?"  Good question!  The answer is swallowed up in what I call 'Learning to Be Nomadic: The Life of Dreams, Not Yet Fulfilled.'  In the time it takes to process and cope with an unpredictable life, I have left my writing to the wayside.  So today, I pick up my writing implements. 

DISCLAIMER: This blog is not for the happy-go-lucky ones with their head in the sand.  This is an open look at dreams versus reality in the life of a Christian, single woman in her earlier 30’s.

I will present 3 Dreams, 3 Realities and their existing statuses with notes on how the experience has left an impact.   The point of sharing personal stories is progressive, not linear.  You are invited to process your own story alongside or in juxtaposition to mine.  The choice is entirely yours. 

While you read this blog, please consider what your dreams are, and what their status is today.  You might be encouraged at the progress you have already experienced or you might be shocked to realize that your dreams are not yet fulfilled either.  Nevertheless, let’s grow together!

Dream #1: Go to Africa and work in an orphanage (since age 4).

Reality #1: Haven’t been to Africa (yet) and still haven’t had the opportunity to work in an orphanage (yet).  Dream is +25 overdue, but still alive.  I have travelled to over 10 countries, 3 continents, and have volunteered with trauma, healing, deliverance, wholeness, etc., but not with any orphans specifically and not in Africa. 

Status: Active; to be completed.

I love children and have always wanted the opportunity to love, cover, protect, and provide for large groups of children who are orphaned, abandoned, or unwanted.  To me, working in an orphanage is a luxury, an honour, and a dream.  So this dream will stay ‘active’.  In the meantime, Isaiah 54 keeps me comforted.  And, as you will note later in this blog, I am developing a slightly better understanding of what an abandoned (or orphaned) person may go through. 

Dream #2: Marry and have children (my own and/or adopted)

Reality #2: Single, no children

Status: WTF?!? (What’s the flaw??!)  The distance between this dream and its hoped-for-reality has been AGONIZING.  I would sometimes describe the experience as: heart-gouging, bone-sucking, depression-causing, faith-challenging, and even mind-bending.  I would not recommend this experience for anyone else.  I have had to learn how to cope.  In some ways, I have chosen good coping skills such as good counsel, hobbies, etc.  In some ways, I have chosen bad coping skills such as blame, confusion, depression, wrong guys etc.  This whole aspect of life and reality is still a major work in progress.  I cannot control it, and so I have released it and have chosen to work on my own life in the meantime.  I have gone for prayer, Sozo, healing retreats etc.  It all helps to heal, but has yet to cure this hope-deferral.

Singleness and rejection are touchy subjects for many women in the church today.  Since we were young, we dreamed of being a princess with a man who will come and sweep us off our feet.  We read Christian literature that talks about being captivating, living with purpose and so on.  Yet, in reality, the church dating scene is rife with rejection, blame-shifting, distortion, sexual deviation, abandonment, lies and appears to be devoid of any redeemable purpose.

The church dating scene is truly a mess and an antithesis to who Jesus is for the majority of participants.  Entire dating websites and healing ministries have been erected to address the scores of Christians who have been bloodied by the Church Dating Scene.  Take a survey of your own church and check out the large section of singles and count how many potential or previous relationships are represented in your church alone.  It is astounding.

The messages that those failed relationships bring to people are: “I am just not worth marrying” or “I need to try harder to be loved, chosen”.  The process of deferral, rejection, not-close-enough, is destroying so many good people.  And the dating wheel keeps turning as people try match after match, without yielding better results.  I watch as the same men pursue woman after woman, looking for Eve.  It is an insatiable game of lose-lose.

Today’s Adam blames today’s Eve for not being perfect.  Yet, today’s Eve is looking for an Adam who will create a garden for her to dwell in.  At some point, there will be the breakthrough men who realize that dominion, in this case, is about tending to the garden they are placed in, rather than dreaming of the garden that is already gone.  Where are the Boaz’s?  Where are the Joseph’s (Jesus’ step-dad)?  Rise, oh please rise, and create a safe haven for the Ruth’s, Mary’s, and daughters of your King.

So fellas out there--be the redeemed man that Eve’s are looking for.  Eve is not your salvation--Jesus is!!!  Be Jesus in flesh to the women in front of you.

Dream #3: Purpose, Assurance, Stability

Reality #3: WHAT AM I DOING? WHERE AM I GOING?  WHY CAN’T I STAY PUT?

Status #3: Another WTF (What’s the flaw?).  The area of purpose is so challenging for a woman whose base dreams are still pending.  Furthermore, I have learned that being single, on a single income, and reliant on the goodness of others, means a high level of unpredictability.  If a landlord changes their mind on a rental, my house (tent) moves.  If a business connection changes or an employer changes, my income prospects move too.  In 30+ years of life, I have yet to know what it is like to be grounded in one location anymore than a tetherball is grounded to a distant pole that is the centre of a revolving life.  In this regard, the only thing within my control is the speed, tenacity, and attitude I possess while spinning in a vague resemblance of ‘forward’.  At every turn, I hope for something new that is good.

So there it is.  3 dreams have been listed, with 3 realities that contravene those dreams.  Such is the all-too-common life in the church; we are ever pursuing, rarely resting, frequently seeking The North Star.

I am a descendent of an ‘Evangelical Diaspora’ (term coined by me).  I’ve been scattered to the winds of infrequent hope-deferred, while being told that joy is all mine!  The paradoxes of faith versus reality are astounding.  Thank GOD, that my hope is not fully in the things of this world or depression would play a bigger role in my life than it already has begun to.  

I am resolving the disparity between faith and reality with loving & secure relationships, community, and roles in the community.  I like to sing, make music, celebrate successes of others--so that is what I do!  I encourage and I desire encouragement.  I love and I want to be loved.  I cry, I scratch my head, I get frustrated, and I can get overwhelmed.  It is in those down times that the Psalms bring wind to my sails.  I need to choose my comforts wisely.  I’ve learned that food and fickle men are NOT good comforts.

So what do I take away from this?  I purpose to have purpose, I intention my choices so I can see measurable results and so on.  Most importantly, I surround myself with life-giving community who have experienced hope fulfilled so that I can learn by their experience.  The goal of this is to share in life giving relationships, secure bonds that are full of Truth and Spirit, love, and security.  In these, my Being is uplifted and restored for a journey through a ‘Relationship Wilderness’ (term coined by me).

After reading this blog, I have observed an irony: that I am more of an orphan than I realized.  Perhaps the people I want to help are the people that I can relate to??!  We are told to comfort those with the comfort we ourselves have received (2 Corinthians 2:3,4), ESV.  Perhaps, just perhaps, my experience in this ‘Relationship Wilderness’ is training so that I can truly love the orphans with a love that is both practical and inspired.

2 Corinthians 1:3-5, English Standard Version (ESV)

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For as we share abundantly in Christ's sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too.

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