Technology - Our New Veiled Eyes?

Recently, I was invited out to a social event of 20 & 30 somethings.  I attended this event full of enthusiasm to see some old friends and to potentially make some new ones.  Initially, it was hugs, laughs, and good times.

But something new was also happening:

THE 20-SOMETHINGS AVOIDED EYE CONTACT

As each new 20-something walked in, to my dismay, they completely avoided eye contact with me and others in the room.  When they walked in, their eyes were cast down and to the outside of the room.  When they did enter the main conversation, they sat down, made side-conversation between themselves, and otherwise kept separated from eye contact or socially engaging conversation.

What happened to their basic greeting skills?

Should I be hurt?  Offended?

Would it offend them if I tried to greet them again?

In all my years of travel, and years of working with different cultural and age groups, I have NEVER seen such social disengagement like this before.  This was a new experience, and I was highly concerned.

Staying Present With Each Other

When I was a Canadian youngster, there were strict codes on listening and respecting people in authority.  In class, we had to pay attention, keep our heads up, and listen actively.  In church, we had to sit properly, take notes, and recall what was discussed.  We were trained in the art of active listening, relaying information, and staying connected with the speaker.  These communication skills have made me very effective in business, in coaching, and in friendship.

Today, at church, people lounge in reclining chairs with their coffee or tea as they flip through their iPhones and iBible's.    There is no requirement for a call-answer, nor is there an expectation that the audience is an active part of the service like there once was.  The speaker is left to 'prove' themselves by engaging with an audience who isn't necessarily inclined to be engaged to begin with.  That sounds like an uphill battle!

This new communication challenge is not limited to churches.  Recently, I attended an event meeting for volunteers.  As the coordinator was reviewing emergency protocols, I looked around and began counting how many people were distracted by playing games on their iPad's or smart phones instead of listening to vital information.  I wondered how much information was actually getting through to people.  I am not sure anyone really knows the answer.

Please note: I am not opposed to relaxed environments, not opposed to beverages in meetings, and am not opposed to gaming nor smart phones.  In fact, I am quite familiar and active with all of those things.  What I am becoming concerned with is the ability for a group of people to agree to listen and to stay present with each other through healthy eye contact and non-verbal participation.  Such things are key to showing respect.

Emotional Maturity

Since attending that recent event (mentioned at the start of this blog), I have begun to wonder if our 20-somethings are capable of emotional maturity in a public setting.  Are these young adults able to hear others?  Do they understand that respect requires participation?  Are they engaged or even capable of proper social relations and interconnections?  It is not as if these are uneducated people--they are post-secondary educated professionals, who have been raised in a high quality school system.

Do we have a generation of emotionally stunted adults?  If true, the social ramification could be catastrophic.  Our future rests on the youth of today; if they cannot listen, cannot stay present with each other, what will that future look like?  I shudder at such a sobering thought.

“Emotional adjustability is one of the very important elements of social maturity... Social maturity is the process of appropriate attitudes for personal, interpersonal and social adequacies of an individual which are essential for functioning effectively in the society.” (A.S. Arul Lawrence and Rev. Dr. I. Jesudoss, 2011) Quote from their academic journal: CLICK HERE.

Stay With Me

Many hearts will cry, "Can you stay with me, even a little while?"  Eye contact is a great way to silently convey to a person that you are there with them; being present with someone is a great comfort.  Eye contact is also a cornerstone to non-verbal communication:

"A much overlooked facet which contributes greatly towards a good conversation is the use of eye contact....To break it down: 

• Eye contact opens and closes communication

• Increased eye contact is associated with credibility and dominance

• Lack of contact and blinking are interpreted as submissive

• High status people are looked at, and look more while talking than listening

• Stares = hostility, threat, sexual – may proceed attack

 (The Importance of Eye Contact, http://conversationaid.com/the-importance-of-eye-contact-part-one)

So when someone avoids eye contact, we begin to ask ourselves why.  Is the other person afraid?  Are they embarrassed?  Are they dangerous?  What are they hiding?

When eye contact is broken, a conversation is pulled away from the subject-at-hand, and is reduced to the primal reactions of fear (flight) or aggression (fight).  Such instincts are biologically normal.   We are designed to read and measure eye contact to understand where we stand and how to relate to each other.

Technology--The New Eyes

If eye contact matters so much, what is becoming of it?

Have you recently overhead a conversation between school aged kids?  If so, you have probably witnessed entire groups of people texting, often in lieu of talking.  I have seen, and even participated, in conversations with people through text, even though they are sitting within 5 feet of me.  

Even when I go to the grocery store, I observe whether or not a cashier is comfortable making eye contact.  You might be surprised...

Culture is changing!

It is my opinion, that texting and smart phones are being used as a safer set of eyes that connect us in lieu of our own raw eye-to-eye contact.  Technology buffers us from the world and from revealing our vulnerabilities.

People engage with each other, through a veil of technology.  Instead of eye-to-eye contact and facial gestures, we have emoticons, html, and pictures.  Through technology, we are able to mask our fears and insecurities by projecting an image that we feel is more acceptable than our own.

In small doses, technology is no different than any other form-altering medium such as cosmetics or fashion--the slight tweak of our appearance to convey a stronger or healthier image.  Smart phone communication is the 'photoshopping' of our verbal world.

My recent experience at this event suggested to me, that if unchecked, there are much greater consequences to technology based communications as the main form of communication.  Namely, it is possible that the basic skills of conversation, listening, tracking, empathy and compassion could be lost to quick texts and emails.

If eye to eye communication is lost or even hindered, there WILL be far-reaching implications in our society.  The human brain is hardwired to send and receive electrical impulses through eye contact, which feeds and builds our brain.  If we lose eye-to-eye contact, we could face other developmental consequences.

Eye contact is normal. Eye contact is natural. Eye contact is healthy. Infants instinctually have a strong desire to gaze into others’ eyes. Yet, why is it that so many adults with fairly good interpersonal communication skills have long since “unlearned” this fundamental and indispensable nonverbal behavior?

In the science of nonverbal communication, the most crucial portion of the body is the face. And the most important part of the face are the eyes- the eyelids, the eyebrows and the regions around the eyes.

Since the eyes are the only part of your central nervous system that make contact with the outside of your body – the old adage of “The eyes are the windows to the soul” has basis in medical fact. The practice and study of eye contact is just one aspect of the immense nonverbal value of this most precious and mysterious organ. Ignore it at your own risk. 

(Dr. G Jack Brown, "The Language Lab", 2012)

"Stay with me" is something every person will seek.  Eye contact IS connection!

Take a Look

Pay attention to your next conversations.  How many people can make and maintain healthy eye contact?  How many times do they defer to their phones?

Just look with your eyes and see who is looking with their eyes too.

You might be surprised to find out how uncommon you two are,

even in a crowd full of 'friends'.

Empathy Pains For Rehteah Parsons - A Young Canadian Dead After Alleged Rape & Bullying

Today, I read a news article about a young girl who was allegedly raped, mocked, bullied, and then in her own desperation, she killed herself.

This was not a crime in a war zone; this was a crime in a land known for peace and healing.  This young girl was Canadian.  

"The trauma of the rape and ongoing bullying caused depression and suicidal thoughts" (Huffington Post).  Her family assured Rehteah that rape wasn't her fault, but their consoling could not remove the sting of the social humiliation that Rehtaeh faced after-the-fact.

Bullying isolates its victims until he/she retreats internally into a prison that is difficult to break free from.  In this case, rape was the crime, bullying was the sentence, and shame was the prison guard.  She couldn't break free; and in despair she tried to die.

"Sexual abuse is no respecter of persons, nationality, religion, gender, age, or boundaries.  It is the dark weapon that can destroy any human spirit." 

(Elizabeth Lewis @elizabethsinbox)

READ: Globe & Mail Article; April 9, 2013

UPDATE (April 26, 2013) : There is growing public awareness but also scrutiny into Rehteah's story.  I am not surprised.  However, the remainder of this blog is not influenced by Rehteah or her story.  The rest of this blog is quite personal and stands on its own merits.  I am here to "bloggersize" and share information.  Read on...

Empathy Pains

As a survivor of rape, I am having empathy pains for Rehteah and her story.

I am now in my 30's and am still doing "clean up" from the emotional, relational, psychological, spiritual, and health damages that were caused by sexual violence since my earliest years.  I have personally felt the pains of being misunderstood, unprotected, and at times, even mocked, belittled or ignored.  I even remember the dark realization that no police officer could help me because the "law" required more than personal testimony.  Also, to go to court would mean having the emotional strength to testify--something very few survivors have.

From my teens to twenties, I had very little support for my recovery, partly because I was muffled by denial, fear, unbearable realities, and silence.  It was in the silence and isolation that several different abusers were able to infiltrate my life.  I became a repeated victim, not just by sexual violence, but also by the culture of silence that prohibited my story from being heard.  Abusers rely on the power given to them by enablers and naysayers.  It sometimes seemed that the abusers were more protected than me, the abused.

Furthermore, as many survivors of sexual abuse will tell you, it can get worse.  Once abused, we can enter into a series of abusive relationships; each relationship only shatters the broken soul more, leading to depression, anxiety, confusion, angst, and even despair.  I can testify that to this day, I can only recall one positive dating relationship.  Sadly, it ended.  He was the one man that I trusted, but when I called him months later, asking for help after a sexual assault, he said nothing.  It was at that moment, that I realized, I was not valuable enough for anyone to fight for.

My memories were repressed, I bit my lip, and carried on.  Like the Brits say "Stay Calm, Carry On".  And that is what I did, one bad relationship after another.

To this day, I am still learning to feel safe, loved, and valuable.  Now, my training allows me to differentiate between abuse-based thoughts (lies) and healing-based thoughts (truths).  I am progressing, healing, and being recreated.

Sadly, when I read Rehteah's story, I could see evidence that she had not yet received the help she needed to get her past the crippling shame and despair phase.  Her life ended too soon.  But even if she had survived, who knows what kind of situations she would have subjected herself to, without some inner healing?

The reality is that survivors of rape and sexual harm, have a propensity to make decisions that can harm themselves all over again.

Rape doesn't just violate a person's body--it steals dignity, self-worth, the ability to trust, and healthy boundaries.  What begins as the rape of the body, inevitably leads to the desecration of the soul, and the destruction of the human spirit.  That is why rape is so evil--it can literally destroy a person on all levels of spirit, soul, and body.

Some survivors become addicts, others become workaholics, depressed, physically or mentally ill, abusive, or permanent victim, and so on.  Survivors are thrust into the cycle of violence, denial, and negative coping, until they can consciously or supernaturally break free.

In fact, some of the biggest critics of recovery can even be other rape survivors themselves.  I have met some survivors who make it their sub-conscious mandate to belittle or diminish other people's stories of abuse so that they can maintain their control or negative coping skills.  It is almost as if a survivor's need for denial can be projected onto controlling other victims to maintain their silence.

So how did I break free?

Fortunately I met caring Christians and professionals who have been generously walking the healing journey with me.  A special thanks today goes to Dave Bamford of "Positive Changes Now Counselling".  I can now say that I am recovering and see the possibilities of thriving.  The nightmares have finally stopped and other progress is now evident.  Nevertheless, recovery will continue one step at a time, unless a major miracle occurs.

Advocacy & Public Speaking

I am now an Advocate and Public Speaker for inner healing, surviving, and hopefully THRIVING!  I've been asked to speak in several countries already, with a book in the works.

In the meantime, I continue to relearn how to live, write, communicate, love, trust, and have meaning.  I am honoured to serve and to love those who are not yet able to love themselves--I am referring to the survivors of sexual harm and the used and abused.

I endeavor to continue developing the skills to support survivors, encourage them, and inspire them.

Canadian Reality Check 

In Canada, at least 20% of our adult population admits to having been sexually harmed, and 17% by the time they are 18.  Most believe the numbers of victims are SUBSTANTIALLY higher than that.  I have heard numbers as high as 1/3 women have been sexually harmed and 1/4 men.  These numbers reveal a pandemic of sexual harm in our nation of Canada.

The problem of rape sits on three-strongholds:

1. Culture of Silence - Silence allows shame to grow exponentially.  Victims can despair in silence and shame.  
2. Victim Isolation - Rape harms the victim, but it also robs the victim's entire relational network of its innocence.  If a victim is treated on an individual bases, sometimes they heal alone, which can further isolate the survivor.  Most survivors need the help of their friends, family, church, and community in order to feel safe, loved, accepted, and re-integrated into the community's strength.  It takes a community to raise a child, but it also takes a community to heal its most vulnerable.
3. Myth of Justice - Is there truly a justice for rape?  Not particularly.  In some cases, there is legal action, financial reparations; but are these things truly justice for what was lost in rape?  The only justice I have found so far is in my faith, with forgiveness, and the hope of a better life.  But I had to concede the justice was not mine to earn or gain in this lifetime (that would be futile), but something hoped for by my eternal God.  If someone balks at this, I would gladly ask them what other justice there is?  

The Healing Process?!?

Healing from sexual harm requires an initial plan of therapy, but it will also require an ongoing support system as new reactions will pop up throughout a survivor's entire life.  It can be a long and painful road to recovery.  We all look for the quick-fixes, but until then, there is just hard work and accurate therapy with a support system of love.

What can you do to help?

Ignorance and silence allows rape to win.  One of the best ways to deal with sexual violence is to stop protecting the ignorance and silence surrounding sexual violence and listen to the stories. Let people grieve.  Get educated.  We need Public Awareness to shine on every abuse, to chase the darkness and isolation away.

Abusers thrive in secrecy, so let's remove their power to abuse again--reveal the truth!

If you are an abuser--get help, ASAP!  Please turn yourself in, seek a therapist, and GET HELP!!!   Stop the crimes before it happens again.

Also, if you are financially able, consider donating to a local Sexual Abuse Hotline or Help Centre such as CASA: DONATE TODAY.  

Letting Victims Speak...

PHOTO Courtesy of: Rapes Going Unnoticed

PHOTO Original HERE

PHOTO Original HERE

PHOTO ADVERT from HERE

"Usually, the rapist starts out thinking you will consent to sex with him, and when you say no, he carries on anyway."

Hedonism, Humanism, Christianity - The Topics of Self, Pleasure, and Eternity

In a world of colour and dynamism, people still debate if there is such a thing as truth versus untruth; dark versus light; white versus black.

I say quite clearly, that YES there is a difference between light and dark, matter and anti-matter, humanism and spirituality, and YES the difference matters.  So let's look at the spectrum of religion based on the belief in self:

• Hedonism - self is to be pleasured
• Humanism - self is the means, the mode, and the end
• Christianity - self is selfishness and must be surrendered in order to experience the true pleasure that comes from eternal connection to God

Grey Defined (Link to Artist)

Grey is simply components of black and white.  Our belief system, much like this painting, are elements of truth and lies.  Muddled together, our belief system can be a confusing mess of do's and don'ts.  But what if our lines of truth or lies had eternal significance?  Wouldn't it be worth the investment to look a little closer at things and make some objective decisions?

The universe is divided into matter and anti-matter, so even on the macro scale, there is a truth about what is and what opposes what is.  As humans on Earth, we are the colourful result of matter, which is what our universe and our existence is made up of.  "[T]he observable universe is apparently composed almost entirely of matter" (Wikipedia).  We are complex, dynamic, and extraordinary beings.

Yet, no matter how complex we are or how complex the universe is, all things can be whittled down to the basic components of 'yes' and 'no', 'light' and 'dark', 'truth' or 'lie'.  I would suggest that who we are and what we believe is matter itself and that faith is an actual assurance; the "evidence of things unseen" (Hebrews 11:1, KJV).

There is a measurable truth to our existence.  Our ability to love, to serve, and to choose God, are all evidences that we can deal with the hard realities of black and white.  So let's dismantle the grey veil of uncertainty and address the topic of self.

Hedonism & Humanism - Modern Religion

The popular culture of today's philosophies/religions are leaning towards hedonism (pleasure seeking) and humanism (human glory).  Both Hedonism and Humanism have very clear intentions of marking their 'modern' truth as light and as right.  They define truth as self-fulfillment and one's own glory.

In a world where political correctness is the new gospel, self-awareness, self-entitlement, and indulging in pleasure are easy sells.  On the surface, Hedonism and Humanism seem fantastic.  Who doesn't like pleasure?  Who doesn't like to do good things for oneself?

But is selfishness truth?  Is self-fulfillment light?  I don't think so... I would argue that what Hedonism says is light, is actually what destroys light; what Humanism says is truth, I would venture to say causes people to lie. And here is why...

To be a Hedonist is to indulge oneself on wants to the detriment of something or someone else (just as indulging on sugar is a detriment to one's body).  To be a Humanist, is to believe that human gain is the end, the means, and the goal of everything no matter what it costs (just as gaining the perfect kernel of wheat comes at the cost of its genetic integrity).  

But pleasure, once satisfied, is no longer pleasurable.  Thus, pleasure is temporary and disposable.  Likewise, human glory is short lived because humans die.  So where is the hope in that?  Where is the life-giving-upon-life-giving system within Hedonism or Humanism?  I have not seen it.  Instead, I see pleasure as the pathway to compromise, and human glory as the road to envy.  

What is true and light, must bear life.  Does pleasure seeking and human gratification often come with bearing life?  Not usually...

Hedonism & Humanism - Spiritual Consumerism?!?

Consumerism has us hungry for anything that is quick, low-cost, and easy to acquire.  We want stuff, we want a lot of stuff, and we want it now.  We want it, no matter what the consequence is.  That is what consumerism is.

Do most shoppers care that a $5 shirt was made with child labour?  Not if it saves them $20.  Do most families care that their wheat has been modified with so many chromosomes that the human body doesn't recognize it anymore?  Not if that wheat lowers the cost of bread. These are just some of the consequences that occur when consumerism compromises integrity for the sake of obtaining something cheaper or easier. 

It is arguable that Hedonism and Humanism are the consumers of the spiritual world.  They say, "give me what I want so I feel good, no matter what the cost" or "give me a belief that doesn't require a cost, so that I feel comfortable".  

Hedonism and Humanism are like the genetically modified organisms (GMO's) on the shelf of our world's spiritual mega-markets.  They are quick, easy, and accessible, but altogether dangerous because they compromise the integrity of the human spirit.

How can Hedonism be light if its goal is selfish?  How can Humanism be right if its end goal is human gain?  I don't see the truth nor the light in compromise and selfishness.

After all, pleasures change, humans die, and there is still a Universe and an eternity of consequence to follow.  Our choices today, create and matter tomorrow!

Christianity as Selflessness - What about Pleasure?

Christians and Hedonists/Humanists are on opposite ends of the spectrum.  Christians believe that to be human is to err and to become a Christian is to give up one's selfishness.  It is really that simple.

Does that means Christians give up all pleasure?  In some ways yes, in some ways no.  Christians are called to be pure, blameless etc.  But there is such a thing as a pure-pleasure.  In fact, some Christians experience God's goodness, love, and joy to such extents that they are called "Ecstatics": people who experience fits of delights or pleasure (Dictionary.com).

So yes, Christians have and practice pleasure, it is just that Christians believe in untainted and self-less pleasures rather than polluted or selfish pleasures.

Spiritual Banking

Anyone who tells you that there isn't a cost and a gain associated with an eternal choice is lying.  

Jesus made it clear--you either choose him or you don't (John 14:6).  Either way, we live with Him in Paradise or without Him in the absence of anything good (Hell).  To choose Jesus is to reject Humanism; to choose Humanism is to reject Jesus.  There is always a clear choice of spiritual debit and credit.  It is black or white (how very unpopular of me to say so).

In Christianity, Jesus is the ultimate account holder for souls.  He is the only point of entry to eternity because he made the debit to gain eternal access (cost) so that we could have the credit (gain).  To 'bank on Jesus' as our eternal gatekeeper to heaven is to put all of our spiritual investment in Him.  This is what is means to refer to Jesus as your "Saviour"--he holds they key to saving you from yourself and saving you for eternity.

Is such a faith venture a 'high risk investment'?  Yes.  Your entire eternity is riding on it.  You are 'all in'.  Jesus is the only name given to us to be saved (Acts 4:12), so he is also your only ticket to eternal life.  

Eternal banking has a cost.  The buy-in is your soul and the payout is immortality.  We make the choice how to bank, where to place our faith, either actively or by default.  We are either for ourselves (humanist) or for God (selflessness), but we can't be both.

"Choose this day, whom you will serve" -- Joshua