When Virtual Friends and Life Collide

Can you ever really “know” someone?

I am a blogger, and do many things online, such as writing and recreation.  In one of my online ventures, I have been writing with several people for approximately to two years.  None of us have met in person, yet we share a unique connection and bond, which we discuss on numerous occasions.

Recently, one of those people with whom I wrote with frequently, was in an serious car accident and went into a coma.  I knew something was wrong with her when I didn’t see nor hear from her within her normal rhythm of being online and writing.  

Then I get a text from her sister.  She tells me that my writing friend was in a medically induced coma and wasn’t going to awaken for several weeks.  The accident was very serious.

TIME STOPPED.  I felt shock, grief, and a myriad of emotions. Then it occurred to me: why do I feel grief for someone I haven't actually met?  I mean, sure we talk all of the time in the internet world, but this was a whole new social scenario for me.

As my mind reeled with trying to make sense of the situation, one thing stood out: I was amazed that her sister reached out to me to explain the events.  How did the sister find me?  What did that sister know about me?  Questions and more questions.  But the answer was simple: when my writing friend was in a coma, her sister opened her phone and looked at her top contacts and reached out to all of us.  I was obviously one of those top contacts.

How was it that someone I never met, was also someone that the family reached out to, during a time of crisis?  Fortunately for me, this means that my character is positive and visible, even through writing.  I was appreciative for their vote of trust.

Grief Sets In

Grief can occur with any sudden change, including the change in a friendship.

Upon hearing about my writing friend's accident and coma, I was hit by all of the signs of grief: fear, anger, rationalization, negotiating and so on.  I felt sad, I was worried for her well being.  I even had the instinct to help or visit but what could I do to help?  Would it be weird to offer help?  After all, in such serious accidents, it is usually up to the family to be close, not friends or associates.  After all, my writing pal was in a coma and in isolation (infection risk).

I was not alone in my grief response, several of our mutual online friends were also experiencing shock and grief.  Some of us have spoken (through writing) and they were also experiencing symptoms of grief: shock, rationalization, anger, negotiation etc.

Yet, this was a completely new social situation for many of us.  How do you respond when an online friend (not virtual, but simply distant), is in trouble?  What are the appropriate responses?  I kept asking myself, “Should I feel so upset about a pen pal, about someone I only know through writing? ”

I began asking other questions such as:

• What if she isn’t really who I thought she was? (which is common in online forums)
• What if this is a scam?
• What if I’ve been played for someone else’s social experiment?

The shocking reality is that all of these questions could be answer with a “yes”.  I might have been played, I might have been scammed, and I may have been deceived by this person.  I don’t expect people to be honest online, but I do hope for that!  

Nevertheless, whether my pen pal was who she says she was or not, would the reality of her change my grief at the loss of our writing-connection?  That answer is “no”!  I would still be upset and grieved, regardless of the truthfulness of her writings. 

Connection, Like Grief Is NOT About Logic

So why would I be upset about a pen pal who may not be who she says she is?  The answer is simple: because I felt a connection that gave relational and emotional meaning to me.  We laughed, shared stories about life and nature, and we connected in friendly terms.  This is the basis for a social connection and therefore, it had social meaning to me.

Once I could accept that it was permissible (by "permissable" I am referring to my own mindset limitations, prior to this event) to have connection with a pen pal, regardless of in-person contact, then I realized all of the other connections (with emotions) that I had had with people outside of traditional community.  Let me provide some examples:

• Non-person personas (Actors, Characters in a Book etc): When my favourite TV character, whom I have watched for years, gets killed off of the show, I cried.  I felt all of the emotions of grief.  I questioned the writers, I got angry, I reasoned with the futility of death etc. 
• Public personas: When my speaker, pastor, favourite barrista, cashier or office person leaves their job, I feel that loss.  I experience the emotions of loss and grief.  I reminisce about seeing them at their desk, their office jokes, etc.  Then, I question why things in this world are so fleeting.  This is particularly true for people I admire: social activists, people of compassion etc.

In reflection of how often I have gone through loss and grief when dealing with people whom I do not know, I can understand that my response to my penpal’s coma is more about what gives me meaning, than it is about her.  

Think For a Moment

How many people do you follow on the news, through podcasts, through virtual church, or through tv?  Of those people, how many have you actually met?  And if you did meet that person, were they the same as who you believed or needed them to be?

Probably not.

There seems to be a human need to view people as we need them, more than as they are. 

How profound!  And how profoundly unfair to those public figures!!  Imagine the struggle the famous might have, finding themselves in between all of the wants and demands of those who profess to be their supporters or fans.   How can they know who they are, amidst all of that noise?

As Thomas Merton writes, “We do not find the meaning of life by ourselves alone--we find it with another.”  (#ThomasMerton, “Love and Learning”)

“The problem, often not discovered until late in life, is that when you look for things in life like love, meaning, motivation, it implies they are sitting behind a tree or under a rock. The most successful people in life recognize, that in life they create their own love, they manufacture their own meaning, they generate their own motivation. For me, I am driven by two main philosophies, know more today about the world than I knew yesterday. And lessen the suffering of others. You'd be surprised how far that gets you. 

- Neil deGrasse Tyson's response on Reddit when asked "What can you tell a young man looking for motivation in life itself.  #NeildeGrasseTyson